Steeplechase Wid Ye?

Skinny auld body on all fours, heid turning round facing you with a grimace that says "Ah'll f**in' eat ye" more than it says "pump me" and she roars through that expensive dental bridgework:

"Pit the last inch in, PIT THE LAST INCH IN YA c**t, YE, OOOOOFFFFFTTTWHHHAAAA, AH'M THE QUEEN OF THE BOABY, f** ME TIL I'M LOWPING, BATTER ME, f**ING RIDE ME OR KILL ME YA BASTURT"

 

It's amazing how you've captured the essence that is Dundonian birds.

 

Shagged one in Perth College halls of residence once

 

Eilish, if you are looking in, I didn't mean to be mean about your mum.

Will you still show me your puffy curtains?

 

That place is full of ****ing crackers.

 

My mate, who was living there, tried to set me up with this Shetlander thing there.

Basically, cos she one of about 3 females from the Shetlands, she thought she was a ticket - she had an actual tache.

Like, not a wee wispy thing - an actual ****ing Magnum Graeme Souness effort.

So, I pumped her Dundonian pal instead who, to be frank, wasn't a million miles better

 

Did she bleach it? Was a girl at my school that had a huge tache and she bleached it blonde, looked so ****ing stupid...

 

Naw.

It had clearly never been an obstacle to her getting pumped up in Neanderthal world so she just left it au naturale.

My first thought was, if she doesn't look after the hair on her face, what the **** must her fanny look like?

Like I say, gave it a bye even though she was choking - her pal was in the next room to her and noisy as **** so at least she heard someone getting pumped aff me

 

Shetland is like Battle Royale but with less Japs.

 

If you re-read the bits I said about the bold Liz, you have to imagine this face only slightly fiercer.

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Ah wid

 

Effort and dirtiness trumps face every time Aldo

 

But unless you have a fast car and a good excuse to escape the scene you'd have to actually have a conversation with her. Sorry, couldnae listen to that voice for more than about 5 seconds.

 

She's ****ing vile

 

Iron bar to the napper as soon as her auld nanny inevitably squirts

 

****ing hell

Liz McColgan's squirt juice.

I think I've hit a new low.

 

Hmm, that could work I suppose, have'nt done that in years though. Mind you i've always done the Iron Bar over the Swede first and then proceded with the pumpery.

 

As long as that's no a new energy drink I think we'll all be safe.

 

My sincerest apologies to everyone who has been mentioned in this thread - Eilish, Liz, that Shetland bird, the Dundonian bird, all of ye.

You can be content in the knowledge that, if there's a hell, I'm going there

 

****