The young lady had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when She suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the Clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee.", she said. "Where?", he asked ? "Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the classes. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted...........
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
Men are just happier people What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £ 2000. Morning-suit rental £ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £ 4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £ 20, even though it's only for £ 32.50. ..........None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £ 2 for a £ 1 item he needs. A woman will pay £ 1 for a £ 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. ..........She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. ......There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. SO, send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
A man goes into his local pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “What’s this Viagra like, then?” “It’s very good sir,” says the pharmacist, “I use it myself.” “Good,” says the man. “Can you get it over the counter?” The pharmacist answers, “Only if I take six, sir.”
Oh so true! An Obituary You Really Must Read. An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true. Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights I Want It Now Someone Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Stress... You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful. But at the hospital they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful. So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home you think about your three kids at home. NOW THAT'S STRESS!!
Been trying to book tickets on the phone for an Elvis tribute act, but it just keeps asking me to press 1-For the money, 2- For the show, ..............
Local police hunting the 'Knitting-needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people in the arse in the last 48hrs, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern!!!!
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the assistant, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the assistant the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist's on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The shop assistant responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly replies," I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she says." The old man takes a deep breath, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
There’s a film being made about the life of Eddie Stobart – I saw the trailer last night.
lol love this...bit naughty, my apologies "NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER" Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me, Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea, Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee. First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last! My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast. Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way; He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day! And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap. If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap! Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength; He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length. So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree. Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease! He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease. The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes. When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes.. And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two; When he arrives at the crease then only six will do. Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about; And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out! We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock, He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock. So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me: Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash; And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash. If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score; Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before! The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke, He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke. Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup; You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up! So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me: !!!!NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."
