Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?" Paddy said.
An Aussie and a Kiwi go to a pastry shop. The AUSSIE whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesnt notice. The AUSSIE says to the KIWI" Youll never beat that!" The KIWI says to the AUSSIE: "Watch and learn!" He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the biscuit which the KIWI promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. The KIWI eats this one too and says again: "Give me one more biscuit." The baker is getting angry now but gives him one more anyway. The KIWI then eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?" The KIWI says: "Look in the AUSSIES pocket!"
A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?" "No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" ... ... "No, they spread."
