An English tourist was driving through the outback of Australia when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few miles further on, he came upon a small outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.He grabbed a beer, had a look around the bar and noticed a one-legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world. The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is this?! A few miles down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone". The barman said, "You heartless Pommie bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
The pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stands and walks to the podium. “Two months ago,” she begins falteringly, “my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.” A muffled gasp breaks out from the men in the congregation as they contemplate the horror. “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” Suzie goes on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation shudder. “Now,” she announces in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely”. All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rises and asks if anyone else has something to say? A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. “I'm Phil,” he says, as the entire congregation holds its breath. “I just want to tell my wife, for the last time, the word is ‘sternum’”
Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa. The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as cubs. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Bear. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.' 'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Bear, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'
If you kill yourself, its suicide!!! If you kill someone else, its homicide!!! If you kill loads of people, its genocide!!!! If you haven't won a title in 20 years, its merseyside!!!!!
America is to send a crack navy seal team to help search for the missing schoolgirls in Nigeria. Britain offered to send Stuart Hall, Dave Lee Travis and Rolf Harris.
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement. 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down! 2. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 3. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 3. Sing Along At The Opera. 4. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream.... 'I Won! .... I Won!' 5. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling.... 'Run For Your Lives! ...They're Loose!' 6. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,.... we are going to have to let one of you go... 7. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favourite. 8. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: "THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE"!
It puts a whole different slant on these two songs by Rolf. Two little boys an jake the peg with the extra leg. Fiddle diddle diddle dee.
WELL KNOWN LAWS Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.  Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it! Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Because there are no mosques in Venice, The Italian Government has allowed Muslims to pray in the streets. So far 543 have drowned. GOD BLESS THE ITALIANS!
The Art Of Conversing With Your Spouse With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."
One morning 3 Yorkshire Lads and 3 Londoners were in a ticket queue at Manchester Piccadilly train station heading to Euston for a Wembley cup final. The 3 Londoners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Yorkshire-men bought just one ticket between them. "How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Londoners. "Tha must watch and learn" answered one of the Yorkshire-men. When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Yorkshire-men crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train left the station the Conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on. The Londoners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That evening after the game the 6 walked together back to Euston station, and the Londoners bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Yorkshire-men didn't even buy 1 ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Londoners. "Tha must watch and learn", answered one of the Yorkshire-men. When they boarded the train the 3 Londoners crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Yorkshire lads crammed themselves into another toilet. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Yorkshire-men left their toilet and walked over to the Londoners toilet. He knocked on the door and said "Ticket please".
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says. 'You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.' The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says. 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms. Again, the man apologises and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside-down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop. ' The barmaid is furious at this most personal intrusion and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. ' What's up, love?' he asks. 'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says. 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband. 'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams. 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on. 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically. 'Look, love - I'm not going to mess with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness!!.
Some Alternative Headlines of The Day Hungary joins UKIP after discovering 21 million Romanians living next door Monopoly to withdraw get out of jail free cards Welsh Medical Journal raises concerns over safety of Prestatyns Tamil Tigers to be reintroduced to Sri Lanka after captive breeding programme
18 times English champions Liverpool traditionally enter the field of play to the show tune "You'll never walk alone". Following last season's home straight capitulation they will, in future, come out to the Rolling Stone's 19th Nervous Breakdown
