What did the Daddy tomato say to the child tomato who was lagging behind? "Come on son, ketchup" Ha, ha. Geddit?
I feel a bit sorry for you ER ... Miserable, lonely old twats like you won't have the slightest idea what it is to enjoy a big family dinner and to have good friends around you. So, as an act of charity and humanity I'd like to change that. I'll tell you exactly what it's like in a pm
No one enjoys a big family dinner ffs. People only enjoy that stuff in Norman Rockwell paintings. In real life it's a ****ing ordeal.
It's what alcohol was invented for. It allows people to briefly get on with each other in good cheer until the inevitable watershed moment when old grievances are aired. And that's when the fighting started.
Especially in the Fritzel household, by ****, what an awkward night that was, so I just made my excuses and slipped back down to the cellar, more hassle than it was worth.,argumentative ****s.
A Chinese guy's in bed with his wife and says, "How about a 69?". She replies, "**** off. I'm not cooking at this time of night."
A man walks into a shop and asks for a bottle of sauce. The shopkeeper asks "HP?" "No" says the man, "I'll pay cash"
A man sees ER tampering with a sheep in a field just outside Aberdeen . "Are you shearing that sheep " he asks . "Naw" says ER " get wan of yer ain"
That's stirred a memory. What was that thing when some **** was fighting in a chippy using condiments. It was summat like that? Damn my alzheimers.
Guy walks into a pet shop and says "three wasps please" Shopkeeper "we dont sell wasps". Guy says " well theres three in the window there"
Shameless goes into a greengrocer to buy a cucumber . "Do you want it sliced" ask the chap . "What do you think I am" replys Shameless "a slot machine"
A ventriloquist was driving through Aberdeenshire when his car broke down. He walked a bit and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house. Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace. Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking. Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they are all ****in liars!"
