My secretary sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault really - I should have taken them off.
Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says: THE END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE! As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humour. When U Black, U Black When I was born, I was BLACK, When I grew up, I was BLACK, When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK, When I got cold, I was BLACK, When I was scared, I was BLACK, When I was sick, I was BLACK, And when I die, I'll still be BLACK. NOW, You 'white' folks...... When you're born, you're PINK, When you grow-up, you're WHITE, When you go in the sun, you get RED, When you're cold, you turn BLUE, When you're scared, you're YELLOW, When you get sick, you're GREEN When you bruise, you turn PURPLE, And when you die, you look GREY. So why y'all be callin' us COLORED Folks?
Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was going on a business trip to China on that ill-fated Malaysian flight, MH 370, and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat!
My confidence hit a new low today. Both of my ex-imaginary girlfriends have turned lesbian and started dating.
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you - all the others kept me awake all night!"
Due to Harry Redknapp's dyslexia,QPR have put a bid in for Lady Gaga. He'd read she was the new Maradona.
no one should be offended up the rsss its a joke thread anyone who takes life so seriously they cant laugh at others misfortunes might as well just piss off now by the way should anyone wish to post jokes about over weight white lorry drivers feel free to do it I will not judge you
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. 'From now on when I say BELL1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night. ' The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied ' YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
This overweight, white lorry driver goes into a brothel, slaps £500 on the counter and tells the madam that he wants the ugliest girl in the place and a bacon sandwich, The madam of the house looks at the money and tells him, "for £500 you could have the most beautiful girl in here" The lorry driver looks back at her and says, "Hey look sweetheart, I’m not horny, I’m home sick." ************** An overweight, white lorry driver stopped at the motorway services for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the lorry driver's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the lorry driver's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The lorry driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so "bad." As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles." **************************** Two overweight, white lorry drivers applied for a job. One said, “I’m Kiwi and this is my partner, John; when I drive at night, he sleeps.” The foreman said, “All right, I’ll give you and oral test. It’s two o’clock in the morning. You’re on a narrow, little bridge and your truck is loaded with nitroglycerin. All of a sudden a ten ton truck comes toward you at about 70 miles per hour. What’s the first thing you do?” Kiwi said; “I wake up my partner, John. He ain't never seen a wreck like this before." ******************* An overweight, white lorry driver was driving along on the motorway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The lorry driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." *************** An overweight, white lorry driver is driving East along the M1 when he sees a truck driving West and the CB crackles to life ." Hey, you in the big rig, who are the two biggest ****s in New Zealand?" comes from the CB. The overweight, white lorry driver replies . "I don't know" . The other drive says " You and your brother ". Well the East bound driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him "Its just a joke - tell it to the next lorry driver you see." Well the lorry driver continues for about five minutes an finally sees another lorry, just like his. He immediately gets on the CB and says " Hey, you in the big rig going west, do you know who the two biggest ****s in the New Zealand are?" The other driver says " I don't know, who?" The overweight, white lorry driver replies " Me and my brother!"
Went to the gym this morning and noticed my trainer had a small hole, just about big enough to get my finger in. She's cancelled my membership and got the police involved.
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! this American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce. The email said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot" Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.
Jennifer walked up to a group of men at a STUTTER CONVENTION. "I will give a guy a blowjob who can say where he is from without stuttering". The 1st guy approaches " D-D-D-D-Deby" 2nd... "Y-Y-Y-Y-York" 3rd...."London.." so she gives him a blowjob, and when she is finished, he says "-d-derry"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
