Pardewed or Not Pardewed?

Alright lads and lasses, dont often get the chance to post these days (not that i ever was regular), but i'm still steaming after Saturdays' gutless collapse and just have to let off some steam.

So, im gonna go through the squad our glorious leaders have painstakingly and thoughtfully crafted for us, and see if they have indeed, been Pardewed.

GK
Krul - When Pardew arrived, he was in the team thanks to Harpers' injury, but wasnt a automatic no1. He became no1 the following season, became a full dutch international, and everything looked bright. So, 2 years of Pardew later, he is not the imposing figure he once was, bar a simply amazing game at Spurs. He flaps at crosses, lets in goals he should be saving, and distribution is terrible. Verdict: PARDEWED

Elliot - Pardew is a big fan, which says it all really. An honest trier, capable of great saves or poor keeping, we havent seen enough of him to judge the full Pardew effect.



Debuchy - full France international, chased him for a year and should have signed him 6 months before we did (Cheers Derek). Had a poor start, but began to settle and become a fans favourite by New Year 14. Injured recently, it remains to be seen whether or not he will be here next season as he is one of our saleable assets. It also remains to be seen if another year of Pardew has the usual effect.

Yanga-Mbiwa - Double-winning captain and french international centre back with a classy reputation and a big future touted. Naturally, he has been mainly used as a reserve right back or dropped from centre back in favour of an out of form disinterested Colo or honest but limited Willo. A shadow of the player we thought we had signed. Verdict: 100% definitely PARDEWED

Santon - Italian international full back, once touted as the next Paolo Maldini by none other than Jose Mourinho, now touted by Pardew as 'our Phil Neville'. Nothing more needs to be said there. 100% PARDEWED

Williamson - inherited from Hughton, Iron Mike is a willing, honest but limited centre half, capable of great games or terrible ones. He's ok, no more, no less. Not Pardewed.

Coloccini - Captain, whos best days are now behind him, as he looks to leave the Club again. Poor at first, became excellent under Hughton, continued that on under Pardews early days, but now only hints of excellence in his game. Verdict: 33% Pardewed.

Haidara - an excellent prospect who first came to most peoples attention after a brutal assault in Wigan, most people are struggling to understand why he has not started more games. Fast, strong and willing to attack, he looked a shadow of his own potential on Saturday. Verdict is still out, although the signs of Pardewing are there...

Dummett - looked good in his first few games, but struggled of late. Naturally, for a left back, has played at centre back and on the wing as sub the other day, although yes, that was due to no options on the bench. He looks ok at times, poor at others. Pardew will love him. Verdict: Too early to tell.

Taylor - Brains of a pot noodle, defensive awareness of General Custer, fist pumps of a bad remake of Rocky, unbelievably Pardew has taken him backwards! His time is surely up.

Obertan - Im not gonna 'Pardew' him as the poor sod was crap when he arrived, and is crap now.

Ben Arfa = capable of genius, but 'cant track back', like that was a problem for Ginola, Robert etc, this french magician/pasty fan has probably been the most Pardewed of all, going from a prospect thought of as highly as Benzema, to podgy bit part scapegoat. Used as a winger in a 442 where he recieves the ball facing whoever is out of position at right back, with his back to goal, completely nullifies his threat. When we think back just 2 years, when he was running riot in a 433, with Cisse and Ba, we looked so dangerous and exciting. 10000% PARDEWED

Tiote - from tank to rank, and halfway back again, hes not as good as he was when he arrived under Hughton. 50% PARDEWED

Anita - a graduate of Ajax academy, he looks a technically excellent player, when used in a 433, passing and moving and keeping play moving. Naturally he spent most of his first season here watching the ball fly miles over his head to Cisse, and then his second season looking good in a 433 with Cabaye and Tiote, and poor in a 442. Victim of circumstance? Too small? Pardewed? Possibly all 3.

Gouffran - hard working (whey, most of the time..) forward who chips in with goals and a decent shift, naturally as hes a forward, he looks worse for playing wide left in a 442. Decent, but no more. Bad form at the moment. 33% Pardewed.

Sissoko - a defensve midfielder dubbed the new Vieira, naturally used as a number 10 or a winger by our lovable gaffer. Built like a tank, heart of a goldfish, had an amzing debut but has steadily gone backwards ever since. Doesnt seem to want to be here, dont know what thats down to if im honest. 50% Pardewed

Marveaux - didnt realise he was our leading assist maker last season. So naturally, he's barely played this season, and is sulking whenever hes allowed 3 minutes on the pitch.If only his heart matched his talent. 25% PARDEWED

Gosling - who?

Sammyobi - Pardew loves him. That says it all really.

Cisse - You know the crack, arrived, scored goals for fun, played with a smile, Chelsea away amazing, so naturally began next season on the wing, then as target man when Ba escaped the asylum. Form and confidence destroyed, still did ok to get 13 goals plus 7 incorrectly ruled out. Probably the most heartbreaking of all who have been PARDEWED.

Shola - love him and always will for efforts in the field of mackem slaying, its best we shake his hand and wish him well for the golden boot at the world cup. Without a league goal in 14 months, although that is more down to him than Pardew.

Remy - not ours so hard to comment. Will score more than 13 goals for Arsenal next season though.

De Jong - A striker, apparently.


Anyway, thats my feelings about our coaching set up, dont take it all too seriously, i just needed a rant....although ive just seen who scored for West Ham and finally raised a smile!

 

Great thread fella.
Pardew really is the ****ing Chuck Norris of coaches isn't he.
Next season I expect Debuchy and Sissoko to turn **** due to playing too many games in goal.

 

That post is 24ct solid gold!

 

I think Taylor "brains of a pot noddle" was my favourite line from the OP

 

Hopes and dreams of the fans at an all time low in the Premier League era? We've all been Pardewed! This manager has too much power if he can destroy the minds of a full team of international quality player and tens of thousands of fans without breaking a sweat. He's a dark lord or something.

 

There was once a tv show called "you've been pardewed" wasnt there?

Jeremy Beadle presented it and then harry hill I believe.

I still cannot fathom out how Cisse went from class to dross in a year. It has to be the Pardew effect.

 

Nah, after KK, Dalglish and Gullit did a good job of splattering dreams, and just when you think we were back in with a shout with SBR, we get Souness and later on Allardyce, Kinnear and relegation. Whilst Pardew isn't the best by any means, he still has some way to go to achieve the level of ineptitude by that lot, but he is trying his best to get there.