Within 3 - 4 miles of where I am living there are a number of villages completely cut off and underwater, all because the government decided not to dredge the rivers! I'd like to shake Cameron warmly by the throat!
Floods hit London, One is not amused! https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd....03x403/75958_579984295416649_1271693401_n.jpg
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man wearing a Yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account.If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?" All silent up to this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."
Outside a pub in St. Helier (think Eurhythmics hit): Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to dis a brie?
Professor J.S.Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to an attractive young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.’ It took 15 minutes to restore order in the lecture room.
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small > fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his > usual > dumb blonde jokes. > > Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and > starts > shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you > think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the > color > of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men > like > you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the > community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people > like > you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind > continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but > women in > general, pathetically all in the name of humor !" > > The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize , and the blonde > yells: > > "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little s**t on your > lap"
> Aussie Humour..... > > > A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. > The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had then raped his wife. > A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe he > f****d my wife after only five cans!” > ____________________________________________________ > "My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. > It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!” > ____________________________________________________ > I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the > front door open. > She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” > Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get > offers like that every day. > ____________________________________________________ > I saw a fortune-teller the other day. She told me I would come into > some money. > Last night I shagged a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what? > ____________________________________________________ > The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys-only trip away, do you > think about me?” > Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right > answer. > ____________________________________________________ > My wife is p*****d off with me again. > I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party > popper. > She has no sense of humour. ____________________________________________________ > Ten Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. > At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says. > If any of you are *****philes, you can f**k off down to HELL > Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out. > “And take this deaf bastard with you”. ___________________________________________________ > The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll > take it up the a**e”. > Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first. ____________________________________________________ > My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison. ____________________________________________________ > The wife came out of the bathroom and said: “I have just shaved my > pussy and you know what that means don't you”? > I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug-hole is blocked again”! ____________________________________________________ > Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. > Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a > woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman. > But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a > tight parking slot in one fluid movement. > That's when I thought. “Hang about.......” !!!!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ....... but all men...are men! Global Facts About = Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading emails. You hang in there, sunshine
West Yorkshire Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, £5 million in forged banknotes and 25 prostitutes --- all located in a small semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Manningham Lane. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We're all terribly shocked, ....... we never knew we had a library."
That's weird, they both still work for me! I know several people have this problem, which the site owner is trying to correct, but I have NEVER experienced the problem!
