I remember on the old 606 there was frequently a joke thread on a Friday. Not sure it happens on here, but may not be a bad idea. Could be a bit late for starting one now, but what the hell. I've just found out I'm both gay and dyslexic. I think I'm still in Daniel Taxi's ordered!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are the only 3 passengers in a plain, after while the plain starts to loose altitude due to engine failure. After a long battle to keep the aircraft airborne all the crew bail out. leaving just 2 parachutes. So, the English man, Scotts man and Irish man decide to draw straws. After loosing the straw draw and having just watched the Scots man and Irish man bail out after the crew, the English man after a few Minuets decides to jump anyway for one last thrill. By this time the Scots and Irish man are safely floating down under there deployed canvases. The Scots man is the first to get passes by the free falling English man and shouts - you mad b****** - to English man as he falls past. Hearing a shout but not what was said the Irish man turns to see the plummeting English man and in turn taking off his parachute harness shouts - So its a race then is it you English Prick!?!
Paddy and Seamus are in town shopping, when they are finished Paddy says "I can't be fecked to walk home, Im gonna steal a bus to drive us home" Paddy wonders off and Seamus waits behind. After 3 hours Paddy comes round the corner in his bus. "What took you so long?" Asks Seamus "Well I had to steal a number 57 as it goes past the end of our road." Replied Paddy.
A blonde,a brunette and a red-head are stranded on a desert island and going for a walk where they find a magic lamp.They give it a rub and a genie appears and gives them one wish each.The brunette wishes she was off that island and back home,the red-head wishes that she was off the island and back home,and the blonde says I'm lonely,I wish the other two were here. A blonde,a brunette and a red-head are put in front of a firing squad,The brunette is up first and attempts to put the shooters off,so when they shout ready aim,she shouts tornado,and the shooters miss.So the red-head does the same,when the shooters shout ready,aim,she shouts....hurricane.The shooters miss. The blonde cottons onto this and when the shooters shout ready....aim...she shouts...fire.
A bloke want into a bar, orders a drink and says, "Does anyone want to hear an Irish joke?". A 7 foot bloke next to him turns round and says, "I'm Irish. The landlords Irish and has done time for murder. The bloke at the end of the bar was in the IRA and the feller over there is bareknuckle boxing champion of tbe Irish tinkers. Now do you really want to tell an Irish joke?". The bloke says "Not if I have to explain it 4 times"
Here's one. Alex Ferguson is having a meal with his squad.A waiter appears and asks him what he would like,and he replies,I would like a steak.The waiter says what about the vegetables.Ferguson replies,they will have a steak too.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. I'll get my coat...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
A fella goes on holiday and asks his mate to look after the cat. After a couple of days he's really missing the cat so he rings his mate up from Spain and asks " How's the cat ?" His mate replies " Dead " After a few seconds silence the fella says " Dead, dead, what sort of a pal are you? Why couldn't you have broken the news to me gently like the cat's stuck on the roof and can't get down, then you could have told me with some compassion in your voice that the cat slipped off the roof and died " " Anyway, how's me mam ?" " She's on the roof "
Jezz thats old as the hill. Here's one. A traveller is in school and he gets a sum right and the teacher gives him £1.The traveller goes home and tells his father and says ''I got a sum right and the teacher gave me £1.Is it because I'm a traveller''.The father says,''No son,its because you're intelligent''.The next day the traveller goes into school and he spells a word right and the teacher gives him £1,and again he goes home to tell his father.''I spelled a word right and the teacher gave me £1,is it because I'm a traveller''.The father says ''No son,its because you're intelligent.The next day the traveller is in the toilet and theres a lad standing beside him when he's taking a piss,and his todger is bigger than the lad standing beside him.The traveller goes home to the father and says ''When I was in the toilet,my todger is bigger than the lad that was standing beside me's todger,is it because I'm a traveller''.The father says ''No son its because you're 35 and he's 6''.
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A bloke walks into a bar and asks the landlord " May I have a lint of pager " Landlord replies " What " The bloke again asks " Could I have a lint of pager please " Landlord says " I'm sorry mate I don't understand what your saying " The fella says " I'm asking for a lint of pag...... Oh I'm so sorry, I've been getting my words mixed up all day, I mean't pint of lager " The landlord responds " Don't worry about it, the same thing's been happening to me lately. Only this morning when I was cleaning the lines the missus came down stairs and I said " Good morning my sweetness of joy, please let me bring you up breakfast in bed with a nice gup of tea and the morning paper " What I mean't to say was " You big, fat ugly bastard, your very presence on this planet makes my f***ing life a misery "
Theres an English man,an Irish man and a Scotsman working on a building site.They are up on a scaffold.Their boss tells them that they will get an extra £50 in their pay...tax free if they protect him.So these lads decide to be clever.The English man drops a hammer when the boss is walking past and shouts ''Look out Boss'' and the boss moves out of the way and he gets his extra £50.The Scotsman watches this and does the same thing,and drops a shovel when the boss walks past and shouts look out boss,the boss moves out of the way and he gets the extra £50.Now the Irish lad see's this and decides to do the same thing however he's got a stammer and when the boss is walking past he drops a wheel-barrow and shouts B B B Boss...ah **** him he's dead.
