A Jokes thread anybody?

Just found this on another clubs board and thought it was quite good. Helps to lift the gloom when things aren't going too well.

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men likeyou who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women ingeneral, pathetically all in the name of humor !"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize , and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap"

 

I went to the gym the other day and found a small hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my little finger into.

It turns out she has cancelled my membership and has now got the Police involved...

 

SportsDirect News on NUFC summer transfer spending: We're going to have to sell to buy...

I know, it's a bad joke.

 

That'll teach you to keep your fingers to yourself.

 

You said it TM.

 

How do you know a Canadian curler is sufficiently stocked with condoms so as to prevent unplanned pregnancies?

They always have at least 3 in the house.

 

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?

A: All Ken's stuff.

 

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

 

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Little Johnny from Sunderland had distinguished himself by passing all his exams. As a reward, his mother gave him some money in the Bridges shopping centre to spend as he pleased.

He went into the local sports goods store and emerged a little while later proudly clad in his new Newcastle top.

On seeing him his mother slapped him across the head and exclaimed: "you've brought disgrace on yourself and your family!"

Likewise, his sister Mary slapped him across the face and warned him of what he was to face from his father when he got home.

As predicted, little Johnny was given a sound thrashing when he got home, which left him in tears.

"Well, I hope you've learned something today, little Johnny," said his father.

"I have, father."

"What is that, son?"

"I've been a Newcastle supporter for little more than an hour, and already I realise that all Mackems are bast***s."

 

That is quite a funny pic of you there Albert.

 

Faaaaaaaaaacccckkkkk ooooorfff!!!

 

He never did grasp the concept of "the window being open".

Look how he just stands there and does nothing even though "the window is completely open"

What a ******.

 

Poor little Johnny.

 

Pity it couldn't slam shut in his face.

 

I thought that was what Mags buy at the chemists

 

There'll no doubt be one or two featuring you before too long RAW.

 

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because “in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.”

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?”

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel!"

 

Have they got special camel stops in London?

 

no mate... it's what Mackems pinch from Poundland