Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel all over Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card and bang her three times a day". He sat down with a big self-satisfied smile. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "How about you, Sarah?" "I thought I wanted to be a nurse...but, f**k that -- I want to be Johnny's bitch."
Thoughts on Women over forty.... As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, âWhat are you thinking?â She doesnât care what you think. If a woman over forty doesnât want to watch the game, she doesnât sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, itâs usually something more interesting. A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what sheâs doing. Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they wonât hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what itâs like to be unappreciated. A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesnât trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldnât care less if youâre attracted to her friends because she knows her friends wonât betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know. A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. Theyâll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You donât ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, itâs not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologise for all those men who say, âWhy buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,â hereâs an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realise itâs not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
Manchester Utd`s Club Shop has introduced a new line for their female fans - brassieres in club colours. Lots of support but no cups.
Never Lie to a Woman A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go golfing in Florida with my boss & several of his Friends We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and golf clubs, we're Leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. " The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he had any good scores? He said, "Yes! Had a 69 on the first day. the other days were also good but not as good as the first day But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?" WAIT FOR IT.. The wife replied, "I did. They're in your golf bag ...
Very Good and at a nice time when all of us self-employed people have to pay our tax in three days time.
A bit close to home this one.... HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .. 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK? 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.. 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
The captain of our Scottish village cricket team member sent me this. I will be raising the finger very quickly if I get to umpire one of our matches. Oh don't mention the Irish Rugby result.... Over to you Dave please.
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...." "Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”
David Moyles has promised Manchester United fans that they will be in a major European competion next year....even if he has to write the song himself. Curling - housework on ice.
