I think Gonzo may have appraised you of my demise from the Cheese last Thursday. Rather unfortunate since my birthday was the following day!. I got into the Cheese after work on Thursday at about 6.30 pm. Denice, the landlady, had done the afternoon shift and as is usually the case, was pissed on Sambuca. For some reason only known to her, she had obviously decided that it was 'Wind RHC up Evening'. The jibes started quite innocently, but then started getting increasingly vitriolic, to the extent that they started eliciting a response from yours truly. This is by no means an unusual situation at said emporium. Bakky Dave arrived, and had brought a new sleeve in for me, so we went away from the bar so I could sort him out with the brass. I already knew that Cockney Roger had been to the solicitor earlier that day to initiate divorce proceedings. Denice had told the whole pub he'd been in there crying earlier in the day. You may remember that she was the one who had told Roger about his wife's indiscretions. Dave explained that he'd lent Roger £200 to get a Solicitor's Letter together, but not to tell anyone else. Denice then proceeded to tell the whole pub about this also. A little later, I went outside for a *** with Fiona (who likes it up the arse). I haven't, but would like to. Denice was also having a ***. She turned round to Fi and I and said "Why are you talking to that woman-hating twat? One woman ****s his head up and he hates us all now". Fi said "He's a top bloke. Leave him alone". Whist this was going on, Mandy my bird's mate and Jimmy (her feller) were having a row. Denice turned round to them and said "You treat her like ****ing ****, Jimmy, just like that **** treats Vicky", pointing at me. That was the tipping point. I said "You've already caused one divorce. Isn't that enough to be going on with?". It hit the mark. She started ranting and raving like a ****ing lunatic. I resumed my place at the bar, and she came up to me screaming at me to get outside as she was going to kick my ****ing head in. As she's a ****ing hard bitch (and I've never hit a woman in my life), I declined. In fact I continued to decline over the course of half and hour, until Vicky returned from her dominoes match and walked straight into it. I'd already asked Denice twice if I was barred and she said no, but in her frustration, she eventually cracked and barred me. Vicky stayed to see if things could be sorted, and 6 or 7 people confirmed the veracity of my story. I popped my head in on my birthday to see if we could have a word and she said "No. I've told you. **** off". Vicky was working, my girls were at Uni, so I ended up having a few drinks around Warrington town centre on my own. A grand way to spend your birthday. Clearly, a major review of my social situation is in order, though I do understand that at least 6 people have said they'll no longer drink in there due to her behaviour towards me. One thing's for certain. She'll lose a significant amount of turnover with Vick and I no longer frequenting the establishment. Yesterday, I decided to look at another possible venue for drinking. Vick had got a taxi to work in the morning, due to the monsoon outside. For taxis, we always use the front door. It's the back door for everything else. Later that afternoon, I also got a taxi to the Royal Oak Branch, also using the front door. I had the back door key with me. I watched the second half of the first game and then the Chelsea/Stoke match and texted Vick to meet me there for a pint after work. This she did. We then got a taxi back. I went to the petrol station to get some ale and she went to get a chinese. I got to the back gate and went to open it. It was ****ing bolted from the inside. The gate and fence are about 7 feet high. I got next door's wheelie bin and managed to get on top of it. Remember I have chronic arthritis in both knees. I managed to get my right leg over and started sliding down. The back of my trainer got stuck on the gate post and I couldn't move my leg enough to unsnag it. I just had to let go and wait for my trainer to come off, which it eventually did and I dropped 2 feet to the yard floor, somehow landing on my hip. That and my left knee are sore as **** this morning. All in all, a great birthday weekend. I hope Luis enjoyed his birthday (also 24th) as much as I did
After reading why do I feel like I just watched an episode of that loathsome Emmerdale Tough break mate. That one seems a psycho. Also funny that it seems to be general knowledge that some bird likes it up the arse You don't do boring do you What's the bet anyone reading your drama that all they take from it is that some bird likes to be rodgered in the keyhole
So many gags I don't know where to start The fact that you fell from 2 feet and landed on your hip?? That's impressive as I'm thinking it's almost ****ing impossible The fact that you use the backdoor for everything but you haven't done someone up the arse who everyone knows likes it up the arse The fact you've been barred added to the fact that having been barred you instantly had to find another pub The fact that you buy beer from the garage...you must be proper loaded mate use the offy instead. The fact that you are in fact Frank Spencer
I don't think it is. A mate who shares my birthday - at least he came round for a drink and a smoke - has done her and says she prefers it up the arse to the fanny. This was before she was married
i say burn down the cheese. nobody will care... blame it on the drunk landlady. better yet kill drunk landlady and frame rodger.... yes as in who framed rodger rabbit..... Alternatively.... reschedule birthday for next weekend and send out invites including landlady to rival pub. get everyone to say they are going and she'll be calling around begging finally..... you need a higher class of boozer..
That's pretty funny RHC. Think I've identified the flash point (see bold, below). Take home points from the narrative: 1) Even when you've had a few learn when to STFU! 2) Never piss off the landlady/landlord: you will get barred! Good luck on the new local hunting, RHC. P.S. Belated happy birthday, dude.
RHC, I've tailored a physics related joke to cheer you up: Denice: "F*ck off, we don't serve hypothetical faster-than-light particles here! You're f*cking barred you c*nt!" ... A tachyon enters The Cheese.
