I have a problem. I am a man (this isn't the problem, although I am sure my fiancée would beg to differ). I consider myself to be a typical man. I like football, shouting, driving like an idiot, leaving my pants in the bathroom, not finishing DIY projects, BBQ's and power tools. However, there is one thing. One small thing that I can not do that prevents me from officially lauding myself as a "man". I can't use urinals. You may be thinking that this a strange place to confess such a topic. However, it is Football stadiums that prove to be the biggest burden when it comes to emptying my bladder. Many times, I have sat through the first half of a game of football, sweating uncontrollably with the fear of weeing myself, in public, in front of thousands of other "real men", who shout abuse whilst holding a beer. It would be sacrilegious to get up in the middle of a game to use the facilities, so it is imperative to wait until half-time. Unfortunately, 95% of the crowd have the same idea. So, when the half-time whistle goes, thousands of people begin the migration to the water closet. I hate it. Standing shoulder to shoulder with someone I don't know, desperately trying to unload my bladder. Virtually every time, I stand there, with nothing coming out, doing all I can to pretend I am the only one in the toilet. But it's impossible! How are you supposed to block someone out when the steam of their alcohol laced pee is burning your nostrils and their elbows constantly jab you in your ribs? After an extended period of time, at the point where I have stood there for too long and people start suspecting I am mental, I pretend to "shake dry", and leave. I then spend the second half thinking about the Niagara Falls and the fluid production line at Armitage Shanks, wishing that one day I would be successful at using a urinal. Now, when I need the loo at football, I have to queue up with all the nutjobs who go for a poo (yes that's right, a POO at FOOTBALL!). I make sure I am as quick as possible so people think, "Oh, he isn't mental. He obviously just went for a wee, in private. That is perfectly acceptable for real men." I am pretty sure this is exactly what people think. Some people can't provide the lethal injection to an animal in pain. Others can't investigate a blood soaked, horrific murder scene. I...I can't use a urinal.
BBW...I'm told hypnotists and behavioural therapists can cure most phobias. Failing that, electric shock treatment maybe?
BBW - I suspect you simply have a 'wee' problem. Perhaps your fiancee could help by confirming that size doesn't matter!
You really should spend some time in France. Autoroutes have provided me firstly with embarrassment, but now a type of acceptance. On a number of occasions now I have been letting forth all that has been building up for the last couple of hours of driving, happy to let it go and read the road map placed at eye level, when I have found a wet mop cleaning the floor between my legs. I would not want you to think that I have a directional problem that requires immediate attention, no it is all part of the French attitude to cleanliness these days. Turning my head to see who is being so thorough, I find that it is a young lady on the end of the mop, probably in her early to middle twenties, who smiles and wishes me a good day. Quite often we go and have some lunch when out shopping. The toilet facilities are cleaned about every 15 minutes and there is sweet smelling soap to wash your hands with. Just one problem that took a while to get used to is the fact that there is one urinal in the wash area, with the ladies section adjoining. Therefore as you get to pass some of the liquid that you unwisely took on board, you are surrounded by ladies, washing their hands next to you, or queuing up waiting to get into their cubicle.
I was in Stokkhólmur many years ago in a bar called Daily News. There was one entrance to the toilets and I was confused about this. I was lucky and got into the male area but it was full of women doing what women do as they were so slow in their area some had the idea to go next door. I had seen this before but was a surprise.
It's finally happened. There's a thread i just can't really comment on! Think i'll leave you guys to it and move along lol
Quality thread! I feel exactly the same way sometimes. The thing about pretend-shaking yourself dry is spot on, can't just pack your johnson away and leave or everyone will know you're just a pissless shell of a man! My tip to a compadre: pinch your foreskin and think of waterfalls, it should come flowing out after a while.
I've never had a problem with peeing at a game. IIRC I usually guzzled enough booze beforehand (arf) to prevent this from becoming the slightest of issues. But I would draw the line at having a poo. Recalling the opening scene of Trainspotting always puts me off. And having spent a couple of summers in Turkey I think I am scarred for life. I even feel slightly uneasy if this becomes an 'away fixture' such as at the office or a store (shop/restaurant loos here are usually remarkably clean fortunately). So it's a homer for me on this one - with a good book or magazine to hand. At present I am reading the Summer 2011 issue of The Gun Buyers Guide (maybe I've been in Texas just a little too long).
Could you not just have a colostomy bag fitted for football matches?? Can't say I ever have that problem... although the one I do hate is the spray back from the guy next to you.... yuck!!!
Growing up in France gives you a completely different take on things. In my area any wall/tree/surface that you could face that was away from the conversation would be an adequate urinal, even in crowded public places. It's quite common to be talking to someone when they just turn away and relieve themselves...
BBW great post - I LOL'd 3 times when reading this and eventually had to admit to what I was reading (otherwise they will think I'm having a turn!). I agree with the above other people's splash is the worst thing. How about the "salesman's solution" - these people see the Q and relieve themselves in the hand basin - oh yes I've seen this too many times. Call me a snob, but this isn't pretty. BBW you are clearly not 6 foot 5, but "urinal etiquette" says you don't talk at the trough, and you don't talk about what you may have seen at the trough to others.
Oh, I remember once in Dublin we were just walking up the street and heard what sounded like a little waterfall.... turned round, a woman had dropped her knickers to round her ankles and taking a pee right there on the path in front of loads of people!! Was shocked but quite amusing!!
Definitely the wrong thread to walk in on while eating my breakfast... Anyway I'm usually so focused on my own junk that I rarely care what anyone else is doing. Fair play for waiting until the HT/FT whistle though - I hate having to play musical chairs for the last 5 minutes of each half.
Sat 18th Dec last year, got up early to collect the Missus new car. Got stuck on M25 on way back in SNOW. I was near South Mimms at 4pm, I'd left Ipswich at 12ish. I needed to go, so I climbed the verge ........only for my yellow production to stain the snow!!!! As I was descending the verge, a young lady offered me a mint! Thanks very much I said as I took one with my LEFT hand! LOL
Elixir, it's funny you should say that, as indeed I am not 6ft5 but 6ft3. This also poses another problem whilst standing shoulder to shoulder (or hip to shoulder in this case) at a urinal. If a very small man stands next to you, he is virtually eye level with your never regions. I am obviously not as cavalier as my French "cousins" (I use that term loosely), and I don't wish to be. I had an awful moment last week at work. As some are aware, I have recently started a new job, so am still in that stage of uncomfortable conversation where you only talk about the weather and how much you enjoy the new "challenge". It was my lunch break and I needed to go out to buy some food (the bread was mouldy so I couldn't make a sandwich). I was busting for a wee, so I decided I would make a trip to the gents before my voyage to Asda. I opened the door to the gents to see an empty toilet. Both urinals were unoccupied and the cubicals empty. Perfect. I stepped up to the urinal, knowing this was risky. Then, the pest thing that could possibly happen, happened. Someone else came in to use the urinal. Desperately trying to wee, he started questioning the weather and asking me if I was enjoying the challenge. It was awful. Nothing was happening, yet I needed the loo SO badly. Because he had entered the toilet after me, it meant I had to leave BEFORE him. So, I do a faux shake, zipped up and left, needing the loo more than ever. I was too embarrassed in myself to use another toilet or wait for a while and go back in. Needless to say, I almost created a slip hazard in Asda. It seriously was close. I vowed, from that day onwards to never use a urinal at work, regardless of whether the chances of interruption were 0.
TOP TIP Suffer from 'bashful bladder'? Hide your shameful condition by masturbating furiously if someone stands next to you. Most people will walk away in disgust allowing you to complete your pee in peace.
Conversation at the urinal is a defo NO NO! Men can only do one thing at a time - nuff said. However I would say you're over analysing situations - the leave before the other person ....... You need to relax a bit more - I never thought going to the toilet in such a deep way before. However I do know a woman who counts the men in and out of the toilet. And she has been known to remark "oh you're off again" to someone. This is way OTT.
The half dozon fellas who sit in the row in front of us and look as though they are vaguely related to each other can never last 45 minutes. One or other is always shuffling back and forth in the middle of the game. We have always referred to them as the Smallbladders (Not to their faces as one or two are several sizes bigger than us!).
