A Scotsman died and on arriving at the pearly gates to meet St Peter he noticed all these clocks. He asked St Peter on stepping through the gates what all the clocks were for. St Peter replied that they measured all the lies people told whilst they were alive. The Scotsman noticed that one had not moved at all and enquired why to which St Peter said that was Mother Terezaâs clock. Another had moved on a small amount and St Peter explained this was Abraham Lincolnâs clock as he only told 2 lies in his life. Curious the Scotsman asked where Alex Salmondâs clock was and St Peter pointed up into the clouds and commented that we use his as a ceiling fanâ¦
Sorry still can't get the hang of this insert image lark so you will just have to click on the icon below. Hope its worth it.
Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Paddy said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Paddy!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Paddy won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Sent to me by a Scotsman "friend" Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube? A. A laughing stock. Q. Whatâs the height of optimism? A. English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. Whatâs the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car? A. Nothing! If you blink youâll miss them both. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies? A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball. Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director? A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
Did you hear about the Glasgow pub owner who started to paint Happy Christmas on the roof of his pub - he only got to H...
A Dark and Stormy Night This will Make Your Day Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail , and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He Bursts in and Shouts to his Master, "Master, Master" "The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!" I am Soooooo Sorry..... But You Really Should've Seen That Coming!!
Isle of Wight relaxes rules on herbal teas They have names like ‘Sleepy Time,’ ‘Camomile Calm’, and ‘Lemon Grass Soother’ and yesterday hundreds queued in Shanklin, Ryde and Cowes to buy them legally for the first time. The Isle of Wight County Council has ended its ban on ‘relaxing herbal products’, excluding lavender pillows. ‘We’re going straight home to stick on the kettle and a Peter Paul and Mary EP, and get into this Serener Verbena,’ said pensioners Jeanette and David Smith of Ventnor. ‘Before, we would have to get stuff like this from the mainland. But we never felt safe getting it across the Solent. We used to frequent the “brown” tea shops in Bournemouth or Lyndhurst and do the stuff on the premises, but only bring tiny amounts home, carefully hiding it in David’s incontinence equipment, in case of Constable Elliott’s sniffer dog Jimmy being on patrol at Cowes International,’ added Jeanette. Some islanders are critical of the move. ‘I have witnessed the ill effects at first hand,’ said Lydia Smithers of Shanklin. ‘On holiday in the Lake District in 1991, my late husband Derek suddenly started making shall we say unreasonable demands. This was totally inappropriate for a twin room without en suite at a Christian B and B. Then he confessed to having had two St Johns Wort teas every day when he said he was walking the dog. Things went from bad to worse. He refused to wear a tie the whole holiday and said he was using the computer to contact the Amazon to buy a VHS of something called ‘One Flew into the Cuckoo’s Nest’. This made me suspicious as he has never shown any interest in bird watching. We cannot allow this mind-altering stuff to be sold openly here. I call on the Council to change its mind.’ Alongside herbal products, already packaged for use in so called ‘tea bags’, special paraphernalia is now openly on sale in specially licenced shops. This includes what is known as ‘strainers,’ teaspoons with special crests and special ‘stash’ tins for natural products, as well as gentleman’s ‘floral’ shirts. One claimed side effect of ‘the herb’ is a sudden craving for products like shortbread, ginger nuts and especially ladies’ fingers. These are already firm favourites among traditional tea drinkers on the holiday island. Confectionery shop owner Will Smart said he has noticed an upturn in sales of Munchies, while Meltis Newberry Fruits and Werther’s Originals have shown a slight downturn. Sandown Councillor John Smithers, who spearminted the move, told reporters: ‘It’s totally hypocritical, in an age when caffeinated products in teas and coffees are openly on sale to adults on the Isle of Wight, for this stuff not to have legal status. Otherwise people will just buy it on the black market on Wednesday afternoons in Bembridge. If wet, in St Mary’s Church Hall. We also predict an upturn in Island tourism, man. And I don’t mean the Isle of Man, man!’ Mr Smithers then appeared to suffer a prolonged fit of the giggles, effectively ending the press conference. Mrs Smithers explained that the issue has meant the Councillor had been ‘under a lot of pressure, recently.’
I am afraid to admit it was a cut and paste job, otherwise I may have taken my own life once I reached the "punch line". I trust you did the same with your Tea article?
Johnny really fancied a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!' Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?" "Feels great," he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken.
