Bucking Frilliant -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read ... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
NEWSFLASH JUST IN... Leeds Police today pulled over a car driven by a Pakistani gentleman. Constables were amazed to find the car was taxed, insured, not stolen and carried no bombs or weapons. The car wasn't an illegal taxi and the driver wasn't pissed or stoned but had a full, valid driving licence with no points. A police spokesman said the constables had no choice other than to fine Abdul £80 for wasting police time.
Cleaning Computer Scree..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just seen this useful bit of info I did not about before, so thought worth sharing here with fellow Funsters... Did you know that every now and then it is also necessary to clean your computer screen on the inside? This helps to ensure your display stays crystal sharp. For instructions on how to clean the inside of your screens, just click this link: http://www.lingdao.fr/outils/nettoye...leanscreen.swf
The meaning of the Red Dot -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally, someone has cleared this up for me... For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:- A - Taxi licence in Slough B - Convenience store in Southall C- Service station in Bradford D- Kebab shop in Bristol E- Take away cafe in Cardiff If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to BT and TalkTalk customers in England
What makes a girl go "mmmmmmmmmmmm"? Duct tape A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The blonde cop says, "I need to see your license." The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile and says, "I can't find it. What does it look like?" The cop makes a rectangle with her hands and says, "It's rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror. She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go," the blonde cop says. "I didn't realize you were a cop."
Seen that cop one on facebook the other day, made a difference having the images to go with it very good none the less lol
Golfing error -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This bloke came out of a coma in hospital and was asked by a nurse how he got into that state. The man explained 'My wife and I were playing golf and, on the seventeenth hole, she sliced her shot and sent the ball flying off the green into a field on a neighbouring farm. So we both went to look for her ball. After a while I noticed something small and white sticking out of a cows backside. So I went over to the cow, lifted up the tail to make sure. The last thing I remember was shouting "over here darling, this looks like yours."
50 Shades of Geordie… -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An excerpt from the book we've all been dying to read! 50 Shades of Geordie… I knew as soon as I walked through the door from dropping the bairn off at me mothers that I was ganna get some. I peeped through the fist-hole in the living room door and saw the half a rolley burning in the ashtray perched on the arm of me new Bright House corner settee. The telly was turned reet doon, ah cudn't even hear what Lorraine was sayin’about the new fashion for the summer nor nowt. Then I saw ‘im and me heart skipped a beat, he'd obviously had a crisis loan and been down the metro, cos he was wearing fresh new tracky bottoms and a brand new pair of flossies, his rippling white chest peeped out from behind the zip of his superdry coat, that was sexily only zipped halfway up just enough to cover the tack burns, but give me a cheeky glimpse of what was to come. He pulled me towards him and whispered "Y'all reet pet" before plantin’ the lips on me, I trembled under the aroma of Golden Virginia and stale Stella. He took me there and then, right on the Argos rug whilst our staffy Tyson looked on. He left without a word, but he would be returnin’ soon, with tales of a fight in the job centre queue and his joy at finding a poond coin on the floor of the 54 bus. I tried to settle myself down with a tab but all the while that one question burned in me heart… Would he remember the meat pasty from Greggs?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my amazing ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about a minute of groping she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?"
Education is a wonderful thing -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny was in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question… “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny. “The rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is actually four,” said the teacher. “But I do like the way you’re thinking.” Little Johnny quickly replies… “Well, I have a question for you… Say you spot three women eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, the second is biting her cone and the third is sucking her cone. Which one of these women is married?” “Well,” says the teacher nervously, “I guess I’d say the one sucking the cone.” “No,” says Little Johnny. “The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married. But I like the way you’re thinking.”
Research has revealed for the first time that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What’s happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously. "What’s happened!! I'll tell you what’s happened!! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!!! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage! I'm done!! I'm leaving forever!!!" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go and speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy! I told you there must be a simple explanation …. .....she never got your E-mail!"
Building permission -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just applied for building permission for a new property. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it bright purple with pink trim. The Council told me to piss off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Dr Dave -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to reassure him: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. Let it go....." But, invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: > > > > > > "Dave, you're a vet....."
