Understanding Engineers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." > > > > > > > > Understanding Engineers #2 > > > > To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is > > half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. > > > > > > Understanding Engineers #3 > > > > A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a > > particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? > > We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I > > don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes > > the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, > > What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" > > The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They > > lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always > > let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The > > priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them > > tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my > > ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer > > said, "Why can't they play at night?" > > > > > > Understanding Engineers #4 > > > > What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? > > Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. > > > > > > Understanding Engineers #5 > > > > The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate > > with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an > > accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts > > degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" > > > > > > Understanding Engineers #6 > > > > Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have > > designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just > > look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The > > nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one > > said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would > > run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" > > > > > > Understanding Engineers #7 > > > > Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers > > believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. > > > > > > Understanding Engineers #8 > > > > An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and > > said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, > > picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and > > said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay > > with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled > > at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss > > me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do > > anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it > > and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the > > matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for > > one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer > > said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking > > frog - now that's cool." > > > > > > Two engineers??? > > > > Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, > > > > Looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what > > > > they were doing. > > > > "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," > > > > said STEVEN, "but we don't have a ladder." > > > > The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a > > > > couple of bolts, and laid the pole > > > > down on the ground. Then > > > > she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, > > > > announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. > > > > One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good > > > > that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" > > > > > > > > Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs > > > > and are currently running the country as joint PM`s
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, 'What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack Of ****ing Talent." Not much room for a plaster! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman golfer just came off of the 18th green after a round of golf when she was met by the club pro. PRO: "Hi, how did the round of golf go?" WOMAN: "Very well, but I got stung by a bee." PRO: "Oh really, Where did it sting you?" WOMAN: "Between the First and Second holes." PRO: "I told you your stance was too wide!"
NEWS FLASH >>>>>>>>>>> Cardiff fans are now also wearing shoes made of Lego, so if they step on a loose piece of Stadium, rather than getting a sore foot they feel a bit taller.
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler. So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
5 Surgens -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears: Bump... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, The coffin stops
The Jewish Mistress -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
And then there was the Jewish woman who came screaming from the river: Help help, My son -The Doctor- is drowning!
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
this is what the ref in the stoke game should have done ! http://metro.co.uk/2013/11/10/artis...t-of-horrified-tourists-4181107/?ITO=facebook still could have been worst he could have hit his thumb .
