My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...
In a morning Bible study, a group of women were studying how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" A few women answered today, some said yesterday, and some didn't remember. The women were then asked to take their phones and send the text message, "I love you, sweetheart." After a few minutes, the women were asked to exchange phones and read aloud the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies: 1. Who is this? 2. Uh, mother of my children, are you sick? 3. I love you too. 4. What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean. 6. What did you do now? 7. ?!!??? 8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. 11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day. 12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"
My Daughter Said... My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front-door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave all my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
The Male Circle of Life When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now......... and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Stolen from twitter:- I thought my 4 year old had a stutter till I realised Peppa Pig was a cartoon character!
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?" The Iranian whispered, "My son watches a TV show called Star Trek and in it there is . . . . Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, and Sulu who is Japanase, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrian, or Pakistanis on Star Trek." The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future.
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks? Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" > > He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." > > At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" > > He declines. "The Viagra," he says, âItâs really spoiled my need for food." > > Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? > > Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" > > He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." > > "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
As my youngest is ill, here's a joke he told me over the weekend: Why should you never believe an atom? Because they make up everything.
EU Directive No. 456179 In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 . From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'. Thank you for your attention.
The Importance of a single space! A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. Bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce. The email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot!"
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.
The Dreaded Letter A father entered his daughter’s bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he red it with trembling hands. Dear mam and dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that Marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the Cocaine and Ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don’t worry about money, Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 if they use a horse. Don’t worry mum, now I’m 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’ll visit you and dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Your loving daughter Aimee P.s. Dad, it’s not true – I’m watching TV at a neighbour’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEATEN ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN…. I love you, Aimee
