A Muslim athlete has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police suspect it's race related...
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
A *****phile moves to a new town and asks another *****phile " where's the best place to find children? " " Oh....it's swings and roundabouts really " the bloke replied.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did...... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
Since my wife's doctor put her on some new medication, our sex life has been amazing! Anal, golden showers, fisting, double fisting, nothing wakes her up!
A London lawyer ran a stop sign in Glasgow and was pulled over by a local copper. He thought that he was smarter than the cop because he was a lawyer from LONDON and was certain that he had had a better education than any Jock cop. He decided to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!! Glasgow cop, " Licence and registration, please." London Lawyer, "What for?" Glasgow cop, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please" London Lawyer, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" London Lawyer, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer got out of his vehicle. The Glasgow cop took out his baton and began to beat the lawyer and then said, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?" I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."
High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. AND NO CHEATING (Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below .... ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
Visiting the local activity farm with the kids this morning, I was a somewhat surprised to find one of the assistant with all four fingers and a thumb up a lamb's jacksie. "Don't be concerned", he explained," all our animals are hand-reared."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!' Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?' The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd pour it into the river. With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down... The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ?Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.? The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ?You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.? The man perks up at this.. ?So,? the doctor says, ?it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.? The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. ?So,? says the doctor, ?have you spoken with your wife?? ?I have,? says the man. ?And has she helped you in making the decision?? ?She has,? says the man. ?And what is it?? asks the doctor. ?We're getting a new kitchen.?
