Football Joke article

Another attempt to break away from the endless stream of transfer articles post all your best football related jokes in here.
A few I found:


Steve Bruce was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied, “no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”
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On transfer deadline day today Emile Heskey has been spotted at Newcastle.

Though, to be fair, he was probably aiming for Middlesbrough.
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couple of ruder ones
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This week, the first 3D football matches were shown in public.

I watched the Chelsea match with my girlfriend and at one point John Terry tried to **** her.

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Alfonso Alves cost Middlesbrough £13 million.

He's been rated the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife's fanny!

 

I would say Newcastle's keeper was awful

But that would be just be Krul


Rather untrue, but saw it on sickipedia and it made me laugh

 

My favourite one was the one during the world cup
Rob Green has kept his place in the England squad after a day long training session in which he had over a thousand shots fired at him and didn't conceed a single one. After this Capello has agreed to let him train with the rest of the squad tomorrow.......
..........Emile Heskey however has been told to keep practising

 

Middlesborough have sold out there ground

 

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

My wife said that we should both get tattoos of each others names on our arms as a mark of love for each other.
I reluctantly agreed, and the next day she came back with my name tattooed on her arm
So next day I went out and changed her name by deed poll to Newcastle United



another one on sickipedia that mentioned us ... of course you could replace that with any team. Jus' saying though. Almost football related.

 

Ryan Giggs and his brother walk into a bar.

Ryan says to the barman, "I'll have whatever he's having..."

 

In a recent interview Ryan Giggs has admitted to being home sick
Whilst he still enjoys living in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.

 

A mans body was found in the Tyne yesterday. He was dressed in a Sunderland shirt, mini-skirt, fishnets, suspender belt, high heels and a dildo rammed up his arse.
Police have removed the shirt to save the family embarrassment.

 

Recently, the mayor of Newcastle has had to answer to allegations that Newcastle, as a city, was extremely homophobic.

His statement said: "I can specifically state that Newcastle is not homophobic and does indeed have a large and thriving gay community. It's called Sunderland."

 

Tell tale signs your living in Sunderland:

1. Your spouse has a poster of Steve Bruce smiling as a role model.

2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in laws.

4. The phrase "Thunderbirds are go!" reminds you the off licence has just opened.

5. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

6. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.

7. One or more of your kids was conceived on a pool table.

8. You can't get married to your childhood sweetheart because of the current bestiality laws.

 

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows
down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a
t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North
Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last
barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a
lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it's worth it. Geordie Boy scouts
start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on
their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the
pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on
Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their
feet and blow on their hands.

 

Once again being the board genius I am , I would like to inform you that atomic motion stops at -273 degrees, a temperature known as absolute zero.


.........Ill get my coat

 

Have you heard the NASA are using the Sunderland's Stadium of light football ground to train their Astronauts?
Apparently, it's the only place on earth with No atmosphere.

Badum tish

 

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