We always hear 'the rules' from the female side... Now here are the rules from the male side these are our rules! Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose! 1. Men are not mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we... 1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really. 1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports. 1. You have enough clothes. 1 .. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape! 1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
Thanks to my sister for this... Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS. Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping? Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland" "That is remarkable value" Michael comments "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please. O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. Denying the charge, a hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight."
To follow on the theme of wear_yellows rules and Dave's offside rule here are a couple more. Here's hoping all the Ette's out there can take it. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand close to the kitchen sink! Why do women get married in white? All domestic appliances come in white!
Nude Runner A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!' 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!' So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!' Another runner moved alongside. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!' Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?' 'Nope . . . just when it's raining.
Posted this on the mods board and it seems to have caused a bit of amusement, so thought I'd share it with you here. RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF. 1. Each player shall provide his own equipment for play - normally one club and 2 balls. 2. Play on a course, must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are encourage to check the shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length, to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so could result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to immediately begin playing the hole on arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the full course - paying attention to the well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment over this before. 9. Players are encourage to bring their own rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should ensure that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being 　　played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone playing 　　on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume that the course is ready to play at all times. Some players maybe embarrassed if they 　　find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this case. More experienced 　　players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning of any growth around the hole to allow for improvement 　　of viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 　　 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back 9. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, although 　　temporarily, at the course owner's request. 15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting that is, to play the hole several times in one match.
Found posted by a lady friend of Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/AuthorDianaGabaldon/posts/597166700326170 Some funny comments too.
Seen this on twitter, made me lol! sickipediabot ‏@sickipediabot 19m Apparently, you can have sex on the new GTA 5. Which, I'm guessing, will be a first for most of the people that queued up to buy it
Not sure if this is acceptable so Mods please delete if you think it will offend. It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting Some Persil in to stop the coloureds running. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .... Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a Million pounds worth of improvements. Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing Anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 1. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her Eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I Saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on 'standby'. They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester , Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've Found that a bacon sandwich works a treat! A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall."What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any So I gave him an entire box of laxatives." "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives." "Of course you can" the assistant replied, "He's far too scared to cough now".
