The misses crashed her car into someone at lunch today. She told the police that the guy was on his mobile and swigging from a can of beer at the time of the accident. The police say he was entitled to do whatever he wants in his own conservatory!
Wasnt Manning's club called The Embassy...? I few of my mates went a couple of times, and said he really was brutal if he wanted to be... You had better have a strong bladder or not drink if you got up when he was into his act...!!!
I actually told this at my brother's wedding during my best man speech: A blonde woman got married to an Arabian fella. During the evening reception her father, who was somewhat old fashioned, took her to one side and said: "Listen love, these Arabs can be a bit strange in the bedroom. He might ask you to turn over so he can use your "other entrance". But if you don't want to, then that's fine and you must tell him so". The daughter looked a bit puzzled, then smiled and sayid "Thanks dad". Later that night in the bridal suite, the husband said to his bride "Turn over so I can use your "other entrance" will you?" to which the wife replied "No. My dad said I don't have to if I don't want to, so I won't". The husband gave an exasperated sigh and said "Suit yourself, but you're the one who wants a baby".
Reebok: Only been to one Barmitzvah in my life, many years ago. Knowing little about the Jewish religion, we were stupid enough to arrive on time. Little did we know that the thing went on for some 4-hours with the young guy being confirmed doing an almighty one-man (boy?) show (chanting, reciting, etc.). The smart ones of the faith turned up around an hour before the end, nodding and saying Hi to all the guests in the congregation. Afterwards, there was the most astonishing, sumptuous feast in the cellar of the synagogue. Makes Christian confirmations look pretty tame by comparison, I would say?
I make no excuses for possibly putting this one up a second time. A clip in which Bill Maher takes the planet's No.1 WASP fathead, one Donald Trump, down a peg or two (or three): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdEiCGyLlGk
Brilliant story from Merv Hughes on sledging Javed Miandad: [video=youtube;hKe-ugc-yTs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKe-ugc-yTs[/video]
Nicked from KiwiQPR One day a man decided to retire... He booked a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island, alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short row, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casu ally, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet is a razormade from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, moving closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes .... He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a golf course!!??"
Bavarian men might want to rethink their annual Oktoberfest revels in light of a new study. There's trouble brewing, guys You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Quiet day at Heathrow (will obviously depend what time you click on the link) http://www.flightradar24.com/51.43,-0.14/9
Dan: Guess I'll have to relent a bit, did not know he said that. Broadie will need all the support he can get next Ashes downunder, it doesn't matter where it comes from? Broad can handle it, but they'll be after his blood, for sure.
please log in to view this image Put a caption to this one! Must have been one hell of a hungry horse.
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.' 'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of Them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.
Tamerlo: Belated , only just read it! I know damn well this one is as old as the rocks but for some silly reason I have never heard it before, probably because I live out in the sticks in southern Germany? Anyway: Doctor to Patient: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac"..................
