A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're a fukking jinx...
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop and when we came out, there was a warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket, so I called him an “arsehole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So my wife called him a “**** head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.[/QUOTE] would rep but can't but will remember this as I hope to be looking for something to do soon
I was making love to my married girlfriend on her kitchen table! There was the sound of the front door opening and she said, "Quick, it's my husband, try the back door!" With the benefit of hindsight, I should have scarpered, but it's not every day you get an offer like that!
Senior Sex The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Hello magazine's sports correspondent is saying Wayne Rooney will not go to join Chelsea as Colleen cannot agree terms with John Terry.
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music' - although she did alter the lyrics somewhat: Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. Brilliant!
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I don't know if any of you heard the news report yesterday that the most popular first name in London now is Mohammed.... ... so there could be few more conversations to be had like this in the future... My Daughter Said... My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front-door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave all my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.'
An Arsenal fan walks into a travel agents and says "I need a holiday" The agents says "You can't beat a good Villa this time of year"
It doesnât happen often, so we have to milk the situation! WHAT DO YOU CALL A WORLD-CLASS AUSTRALIAN CRICKETER? RETIRED WHAT DO YOU CALL AN AUSTRALIAN WHO CAN HOLD A CATCH? A FISHERMAN WHY CAN NO-ONE DRINK WINE IN AUSTRALIA AT THE MOMENT? THEY HAVEN'T GOT ANY OPENERS WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CINDERELLA AND THE AUSSIES? CINDERELLA KNEW WHEN TO LEAVE THE BALL WHAT DOES AN AUSTRALIAN BATSMAN WHO IS PLAYING IN THE ASHES HAVE IN COMMON WITH MICHAEL JACKSON? THEY BOTH WORE GLOVES FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHO SPENDS THE MOST TIME ON THE CREASE OF ANYONE ON THE AUSTRALIAN CRICKET TEAM? THE WOMAN WHO IRONS THEIR CRICKET WHITES WHAT'S THE HEIGHT OF OPTIMISM? AN AUSSIE BATSMAN PUTTING ON SUNSCREEN WHAT DO YOU CALL A CRICKET FIELD FULL OF AUSTRALIANS? A VACANT LOT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AUSSIE BATSMAN AND A FORMULA 1 CAR? NOTHING! IF YOU BLINK YOU'LL MISS THEM BOTH WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MICHAEL CLARKE AND A FUNERAL DIRECTOR? A FUNERAL DIRECTOR DOESN'T KEEP LOSING THE ASHES THE AUSTRALIAN BOBSLEIGH TEAM HAVE ASKED THE AUSSIE CRICKET TEAM FOR A MEETING. THEY WANT TO ASK THEIR ADVICE ABOUT GOING DOWNHILL SO FAST!
Not at all Dave - I remember posting the same email years ago to some friends in England. The difference was that it mocked the English team...
