It's funny what age does to you. When I saw the headline (LUXURY TOILET USERS WARNED OF HARDWARE FLAW) mentioning a toilet hardware failure I was expecting something else.
"It's funny what age does to you. When I saw the headline (LUXURY TOILET USERS WARNED OF HARDWARE FLAW) mentioning a toilet hardware failure I was expecting something else. " Bustino, Ah! So you're another who suffers from constipation! And software flaws are much easier to handle- in more ways than one!
A post lifted from Nicky Henderson's page on the Lambourn Trainers website (http://www.lambourntraining.org/trainers/nicky-henderson): "Hi nicky have you any news on bobs worth when will it race again i dont understand why such a top horse like bobs worth in his prime is not having many races :/ think the horse is a true champion and would like the horse to race more often when he won the gold cup this year i dont think he got enough praise the limelight was on sprinter sacre and simonsig i really hope bobs worth races against sprinter sacre and simonsig on boxing day and i really think he will beat sprinter sacre i carnt praise the horse enough ok thnaks"
Something to offend pretty much everyone in this little lot: News flashes: Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him. Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary) Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser! Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly. I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it! When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
I was shopping at Bunning's Hardware the other day when I bumped into the ‘Legendary Entertainer’ Rolf Harris. I was so excited I said to him, "I remember you doing Two Little Boys in 1970". He said .... “fu@k off!... That was Gary Glitter.”
These were the top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival. I don't really find them that funny to be honest. Mildly humorous wordplay at best. No laugh out loud stuff like Bernard Manning or Frank Carson. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa." Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying." Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same." Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'." Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell." Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men." Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost." Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter." Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance." Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
Oddy to coin a Frank Carson tag line, 'Its the way i tell em...' Most jokes are down to the delivery, or put it this way, the ones above better be delivered in a very good way as they are a bit sub-standard...
Yep, that's why I loved Bernard Manning, his delivery was second to none (and he swore like **** and didn't give a **** )
An old Bernard Manning gag... Two lions escaped from the zoo. When told, one passer-by says to the other...."Which way were they headed?" The other replies..." How the f-ck should I know. What do you think I'm doing...chasing them?
He really had something against the Japanese (relatives former POW's? I dunno). There were two Japanese tourists at one of his gigs in Manchester, and he just told them to **** off out, as he hated all of them! Bloody hell!
The best Bernard manning one io heard was "are you're Jewsih are you? I had a Jewish teacher once - he wasn't an orthodox Jew mind - he was a Nazi"
He could be absolutely ruthless with the audience, even if someone stood up to go the bar - I remember him saying to one overweight chap (and remember, this is coming from little fat Bernard Manning): "You want to get that weight off you fat twat. It's ****ing hanging"
