I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
Went to the doctors to get a small brown mole removed from my dick, he said he'd take it off ths time but if I went back with the same complaint he'd report me to the RSPCA.
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Women In a brand new VW !! Doing 75mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily... But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call. BL00DYwomen drivers!!
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid." The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question." The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he’d sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad, Dad, he said he would too" "Well there you have it, son," said his dad. “Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a ****"
Our local ice cream man was found dead on the floor of his van yesterday covered in hundreds & thousands. Police think he topped himself.
What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter. What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? Retired. What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman. Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven't got any openers . What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team? The woman who irons their cricket whites. What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? A vacant lot. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director? A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A physic midget murderer escaped from Frankland Prison last night, police are looking for a small medium at large.
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. . . .. . . . .. . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .. Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house.I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
Two builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant. Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him. Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession Pat: - Oh? What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home? Pat: - Er ... mmm .......... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Pat: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family? Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Pat: - Yep! Five times a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often? Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate! Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Pat: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate. Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Seamus: - What's that then? Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Seamus: - Nope Pat: - Well then, you're a wnker.
Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner." She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He replies, "All I got is thirty." She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She runs back to Keith. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean.
A lesbian goes to her gynaecologist. He says 'Madam, that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen' She says 'Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week'
I had a t-shirt some years ago with "trainee gynaecologist no experience but willing to take a look" written on it
