Someone thought Joe Kinnear would make an excellent Director of Football? Funniest thing I've heard for ages? ��
The police turn up at Paddy's house. His wife Mrs Murphy answers the door. "Mrs Murphy we have terrible news. Paddy has fallen into one of the Guinness vats at the brewery and drowned. " Holding back the tears she asks if he died quickly. "We don't think so Mrs Murphy" replied the officer, he apparently got out 3 times for a piss! A TV company is looking for people from Newcastle to appear in a documentary. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can fart/belch at will. Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands along with them Paddy is in court, and after an 8 hour trial he pleads guilty. Judge says "Why didn't u plead guilty at first and save the court all this time?" Paddy says, "i thought i was innocent until i heard the evidence." The Red Cross Just Knocked On My Door & Asked If We Could Contribute To The Floods In Pakistan...? I Said "I'd ****ing Love To, But My Hosepipe Only Reaches The End Of The Garden!"
What has got two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat. Did you hear about the Dutchman with inflatable shoes? He popped his cloggs.
What's the difference between a camera and a sock? A camera can take four toes and a sock can take five toes!
Papiss Cissé has been fined £5,000 for refusing to wear the new Wonga shirt. He'll owe them £47,239,164,351 pounds 47p if he hasn't paid by the end of the week.
A Woman slips naked in her bathroom does the splits & ends up suctioned to the floor by her fanny. Her husband tries but can't budge her so calls his mate who says:" I'll go get a hammer, we can break tiles and lift her." The husband says: "Ok i'll lick her ear & play with her tits while ur gone." Why? says his mate. The husband replies: "If I can get her wet maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are ****ing cheaper. Breaking News........................ Ronnie Corbett has accused a 9 year old kid of molesting him when he was 45. Just a message to the person who stole my trainers while i was on the bouncy castle...you need 2 ****ing grow up! The girlfriend said, turn the bedside light out and I'll let u stick it up my arse. To b fair i probably should have waited til the bulb had cooled first! My wife came down from having a shower and said with a wink, ive shaved my fanny, do you know what that means? I replied yes,the ****ing plughole's blocked !!!
My wife is such a tease. "I'm just going to slip into something hot and see-through." She promised. I waited all night in that f*cking greenhouse.
Arsene Wenger has come out and said that the rumored bid of £40 million plus £1 bid for Suarez is utter rubbish. And that the extra £1 was in fact for Stuart Downing
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. * I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. * My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. * I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. * * I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. * Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
