I slept with Jessica ennis last night and you should know 3 things 1) she let me do whatever I liked 2) she never made a sound 3) The staff in Madame Tussauds have absolutely no sense of humour whatsoever.
Something for Yorkie... Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum" ............................................................................. A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." ............................................................................. A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!" ............................................................................. The last is always best Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK! The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife & I decided we were going to commit suicide. But strangely enough, once she had killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Not worth it; I'll soldier on!" I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Baby, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine." The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex. The woman says; "I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"
Apologies if this has been done before and also for the groans it may well cause...... A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name badge that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to geta £30,000 loan to take a holiday." said the frog. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger. His dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay as he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"The bank manager looks back at her and says. "It's a knick - knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff. The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out. The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also. The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.' The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bleeding ears.'
A German walked in to a bar and asked for a Martini. "Dry?", asked the barman. "No thanks. One will be enough", replied the German
I got home tonight and my wife had two of her friends in the house. "Fancy joining us for a foursome?" she said with a smile and a cheekiy wink? Five minutes later I reappeared in the living room naked with my willy in my hand - they all had tennis racquets in theirs.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres It works better if you can imagine Pam Ayers reciting this with a West Country accent!!!!! FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (a husbandâs point of view) By Pam Ayres The missus brought a Paperback, Down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag: ⦠Tâwas âFifty Shades of Greyâ. Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread⦠In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasnât weathered well; Sheâs eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominator !! Now if you knew our Mabel, Youâd see just why I spluttered, Iâd spent two months in tra_ction For the last complaint Iâd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: âStep on the other oneâ!! Well readers, I canât tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.
For the attention of H....just in case you get a German pupil Also, apologies to colognehornet for bastardising the German language. SUMMARY OF ENGLISH/GERMAN MOTORING TERMS ENGLISH GERMAN Indicators = Die Blinkenliten tickenfurturnen Bonnet = Der Fingerpincer und knukelchopper Exhaust = Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben Speedometer = Der Egobooster und linenshooter Clutch = Der Kuplink mit schlippen und schaken Puncture = Der Phlatt mit bludyfucken Learner = Die Twatten mit elplatz Estate car = Der Bagzovroom fershaggenin Parking meter = Die Schillingpinscher und klockenwurk Windscreen wiper = Die Flippenflappenmuckenspreder Emergency stop = Der Edbangenovvindschreen und stoppenkwik Gearstick = Der pickensticken fur kangaroohoppen Fuel gauge = Der Walletemptyen meter Breathalyser = Der Puffenblow fur pistenarsen Seatbelt = Der Klinkunklucken frauleintrapper Headlights = Der Dontdippunddazzlediebastard Exhaust fumes = Der foggenspitspolluten Highway code = Die Bestenwiper fur die arsen Traffic jam = Die bluddiefuckendammenblast Back seats = Die Schpringentester Traffic warden = Der Adolf Hitler Policeman = Die Gotterdammerung Flat tyres = Der Phlattenbluddypharts Backfire = Die loundenbangen datmakenjumpen Juggernaut = Der ****engrossentrucken Accident = Der Bleedenmess Near accident = Die Bludynear schittenselfen Service station = Die Highway robberen Cyclist = Der pedalpushinkpillock Skid = Der Autobahnwaltzen Double white lines = Die Overtakenundkrunchen Accelerator = Der pedal fur die kamikazen Footbrake = Die pedal fur die stoppen Windscreen washer = Die Windschreenschittundmuckenschifter.
