I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women knocked on my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher... “IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital: one's in a korma; the other's got a dodgy tikka! In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth . Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, ‘Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!’ A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' An elderly couple is attending mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let go some silent gas; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20 minutes later he gets another call... done that, now what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
I knew you were a yank before I looked at your profile...................................................
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room !!
****ing excellent collection I've just joined a reggae band playing the triangle. I just stand around an' ting
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?" 2nd Officer: "Who?" 1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!" 2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?" 1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
Three man utd fans walk into a pub.. A glory hunter, a cockney and an arsehole. That was the first one.
Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
JOKE ABOUT EVERTON FANS. A Liverpool Fan walking along Southport beach one day found a bottle. He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. 'I will grant you three wishes,' said the Genie. 'But there is a catch.' 'What catch ?' the man asked. The Genie replied..... 'Every time you make a wish, every Everton Fan in the world will receive double the wish you were granted.' 'Well, I can live with that! No problem !' Replied the elated Liverpool Fan. 'What is your first wish?' asked the Genie. 'Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!' WHOOSH! A Ferrari appeared in front of the Liverpool Fan. 'Now every Everton Fan in the world has two Ferraris,' said the Genie. 'Next wish ?' 'I'd Love a million Pounds,' replied the Liverpool Fan. WHOOSH! One Million Pounds appeared at the feet of the Liverpool Fan. 'Now every Everton Fan in the world has Two Million Pounds,' said the Genie. 'Well, that's Okay, as long as I've got my Million, replied the Liverpool Fan. 'What is your third and final wish?' The man thought long and hard, and finally said, Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney.....'
