A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?' The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'
My next door neighbours a Luton Town fan. Last night I heard screams coming form their house so knocked on the door to find out what was worng. Turns out they had won the lottery so I joined in and started jumping up and down and hugging anyone near me. He turned round and said "why are you celebrating? You won't be getting any of the winnings" I replied " that may be so Wayne but you'll be moving you horrible hatter git".
Didn't quite catch that but I think I will be going to report you to the disabled commision, or whatever they are called, for mocking me
When my dear old dad was with us and was still able, we all went to Great Yarmouth for the day to the pleasure beach with Maestroette. Dad wasn't a great one for rides, but he said he would go on the water chute with Maestroette. They sat in the front so we could see them coming down. One big splash later and dad couldn't hear for the rest of the day. Not only did he get soaked, but so did his hearing aid . It did come in useful for him though when mum started nagging him. He just said that it still wasn't dried out. It took her about a week before she realised he had put his spare one in and could hear perfectly well
Some things to ponder: 1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead. 3- Life is sexually transmitted. 4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? 13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 15- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Ah yes, they don't respond well to having a shower, but the good old NHS provided a replacement. The off button is very good for dulling the noise of lawn mowers, strimmer and kid playing amongst other things. The Scullionette would say that I can't hear her when they are on anyway. Being partially deaf is a bit of a pain really.
I got two hearing aids just a few weeks ago and at first I was absolutely overwhelmed by noise at a level I have not had for years, if ever! Walking to the shops along a busy road, the noise was intense to the point of being frightening! The good old human brain however, is quick to adapt and now filters out much of the background noise! One reminder of the degree of improvement, if I turn on the TV at the new preset volume without wearing my hearing aids, I cannot hear a sound from the telly! Astonishing!
Just seen this on twitter and it is so true! Silence is golden! Unless you have kids! Then it's just suspicious!
Yes the noise was pretty scary for me too but on the plus side I could hear things like birds singing again. I still find it difficult to hear if there is a lot of ambient noise around (air con, fridges in supermarkets, crowds, inside a car noise etc, the loudest noise also dominates). I find the TV difficult at times especially if the music is too loud which it is most of the time (why?), can't understand Americans, especially when they whisper & mumble or very fast speakers (eg David Tenant in Dr Who) so I put the subtitles on. When people are speaking to me I prefer them to be face to face, bit of subliminal lip reading develops over time methinks. Oh and we don't we get any disabled benefits eg car parking space, special allowance, tax breaks, dog, disabled sticker .... Still of all the disabilities its probably the best, I would hate to be blind. Be interested to hear how you get on over time, stick with them, I forget I am wearing mine on most of the time.
Up here we have a problem with the seagulls doing this - things are certainly different in Glasgow though!
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Having been reading back a few pages of this thread http://www.not606.com/showthread.php/39949-Some-Fun-For-a-Friday-Afternoon/page60 It surprised me the amount of people complaining about various bits of horse being used in meat products by big names such as Tesco and Iceland, but not one single person complained about the camel toes found in Primark leggings.
I thought I had posted the following earlier on this thread, but after having a trawl back through quite a few pages, to see if the following had been posted. I couldn't see it, so apologies if the following has been posted. MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Lower your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN . 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Hand Brake.
...And also this one... How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Have a pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
