Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

Bloody funny Swanny

 

Swanny, that's brilliant...

Never heard of him before but he seems a great character...thx...

 

Red: You are probably too young to know him! Take a look in YouTube on some of his stuff**; really a very funny guy. I used to like his routines a lot in the old days.

(Erm, and, yes indeed, Alan was survived by his wife......)


**For example, when he talks about the dumbest man who ever lived (his uncle), is quite good too, no ****!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_DgxAlEdvs

 

Who is this? Our Moderator, perhaps?

please log in to view this image

 

Which one?

 

PS. If you mean me, that must have been taken a while back.

 

Nicked from Minx's Menagerie (Peterborough).

How to wash a cat



1. Raise toilet lid and seat, add 10ml pet shampoo
to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat, soothing him whilst he is being
carried towards the bathroom.

3. Place cat in the toilet and quickly close the lid
(You may need to stand or sit on the lid).

4. At this point the cat will self agitate, creating
ample suds. Ignore the noises emanating from the
toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet repeatedly - this provides a
'Power Wash' and Rinse.

6. Ask another family member to open the front
door, whilst ensuring no-one is between the Bathroom
door and front door.

7. Standing to the rear of the toilet, lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak from
the Bathroom, through the house and run outside
where he will dry himself.

9. Both toilet and cat will be sparkling clean - two
jobs done at the same time.


Yours sincerely,

The Dog
---------------------------------------------------------

MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.
' MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Our poor old English language!
These are extracts from complaint letters to local housing councils.

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

No, Ron, it's Oddy!

 

Have to say, I like the letters to the local housing councils best; absolute classics!

 

Night Club Fails.

Has been around for a while. Go to link and click on one of the pictures in the block of 6 and scroll through.
https://twitter.com/NightClubFails

 

Oddy, the poor girl...


Just like the German footballer Stefan Kuntz...!!!

 

are you sure its reebok your name ? Or rebus ?????


Im sure you can work it out my good man

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0EV2SSNLss

 

Oh well, maybe not!