Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

Crowd violence reaches the Antarctic........

 

Hi All

I get sent a lot of funnies, maily from an RAF chap so you can imagine some are pretty non PC. Personally I am not offended by that as I think we should all be able to poke fun at each other and take it as good sport. Anyway I will endeavour to censor before I post but if i overstep what is acceptable please let me know and mods feel free to delete.

Here is the first one.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 10, 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

 

Good one though!

 

Two nuns are sitting in the bath tub together.

First one says "where's the soap?"' Second one replies "yes it does, doesn't it"!

 

Two men were sitting on an aeroplane and realised they each had a black eye. "tell me" said man number 1 "how did you get that?" "It was all down to a slip of the tongue" said man number 2 "the lady at the sales counter had the most amazing chest i've ever seen and instead of asking for 2 tickets to pittsburgh i asked for 2 pickets to titsburg"

"wow - what a coincidence" said man number 1 "the same thing happened to me. At breakfast this morning i meant to say to my wife "pass me the milk please honey i love you very much" and I accidentally said "you have ruined my life you fat, ugly evil cow"".

 

Two men were sitting on an aeroplane and realised they each had a black eye. "tell me" said man number 1 "how did you get that?" "It was all down to a slip of the tongue" said man number 2 "the lady at the sales counter had the most amazing chest i've ever seen and instead of asking for 2 tickets to pittsburgh i asked for 2 pickets to titsburg"

"wow - what a coincidence" said man number 1 "the same thing happened to me. At breakfast this morning i meant to say to my wife "pass me the milk please honey i love you very much" and I accidentally said "you have ruined my life you fat, ugly evil cow"".

 

It's never as funny the second time is it?

 

I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on!








The suspension is killing me!

 

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of young lads pulls up alongside.
"Oi, get your tits out penguins!" shouts one of the lads.

The Mother Superior turns to sister Imaculada, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross".

So Sister Imaculada winds down her window and shouts, "f*ck off you little ****ers, before I rip your bollocks off"!

 

That would be a Chicken Vydra then....

 

You don't need to enjoy opera to enjoy this!

[video=youtube;QMKIE8vjBQI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMKIE8vjBQI&NR=1&feature=endscreen[/video]

 

Shamelessly stolen from my mate Syd's board!

Battle of Trafalgar - 2013 style. (very good actually)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be c onsidered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said t hat rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew u p the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

________________________________________________________
Sunday April 14th 2013..NEWCASTLE 0 v 3 SUNDERLAND.. Mignolet.Bardsley (Colback)..O'Shea.Cuellar (Mangane).Rose. N'Diaye..Larsson.Johnson.McClean (Vaughan).Sessegnon.Graham.Manager Paolo Di Canio
Goals.......The Sess......Johnson.....Vaughan
#127

cyprussyd
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A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his flies wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tyres..

 

I lost my job at the garden centre soon after my boss brought a customer over to me and said "He wants decking".