Good point GG. Do you want to explain in more detail? Just out of interest, I think I read somewhere that you are a working musician? If so, what type of ensemble do you play with?
Would explain if there was sufficient demand. If we can get to a group of fifteen, say, it would be viable for me. Lessons in musical theory , £30 a head, hmm yes, let me see, £450. Would cover the cost of a beer or two on Monday. I am a musician not working much now since I became chair-bound. I play things with strings in various formats, mainly folk based, dance music, songs. Also a loud and particularly shambolic covers band. Write songs. Record and produce CDs. Once got a cheque from PRS for £11.15 - thought I might frame it rather than cash it! BTW I laughed myself to tears at your list of letters of complaint to councils- thank you for that!
Bloody hell GG I charge £18 and people think I'm expensive. Anyway, see if you like this next little offering. it is aimed at a larger ensemble though, but I'm sure you'll recognise certain aspects
RULES FOR PLAYING IN A BAND 1. Everyone should play the same piece. 2. Observe the repeat signs only if what you just played was interesting. 3. If you play a wrong note, glare at one of the other players. 4. The right note, at the wrong time, is a wrong note. (And vice-versa.) 5. A wrong note, played timidly, is a wrong note. 6. A wrong note, played with authority, is simply your interpretation of the phrase. 7. If everyone gets lost except you, follow the ones who are lost. 8. Strive always to play the maximum notes per second. This will intimidate the weaker players and gain you the admiration of the ignorant. 9. Markings for slurs, dynamics, and accidentals should be completely ignored. They are only there to make the score look more complicated. 10. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed up. Everything will even itself out in the end. 11. You have achieved a true interpretation when, in the end, you have not played one note of the original piece. 12. When everyone else stops playing, you should stop also. Do not play any notes you may have left over.
Hopefully this one will not offend anybody. How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
I'll second that. As I have said before certain jokes if you can call them that are more appropriate on the general forum where standards are set as low as possible. I would like to think very few on here would appreciate that one - can we expect to see fun being made of the victims of the tornado or the young soldier who was killed by vicious cowards. In future I will use the negative rep system to express my approval / disapproval and hope others would do likewise - it might make a point
Well said Leo, there are some sick individuals about! Fortunately most of them are on General Chat, and I make sure I never, ever visit that place!
I was making the fee up for effect I used to charge £20 for mandolin lessons. While I was having my chemo there was a time when I thought I might lose the sensation in my fingertips and I was worried I might not be able to play any more, or do my violin repairs which was the other half of my income- so I hatched a scheme to teach a course on musical theory and sightreading for people who already play well by ear (folkies, rockers) but felt the urge to discover the theory behind what they were doing. I have a syllabus pretty well planned, but haven't needed it yet- I still have my fingertips, cos the doc stopped the relevant element of my chemo after 4 of my 8 cycles. I like the band instructions! 3 is a good one for a group of fiddlers. If your intonation slips, stare accusingly round the group as if to find the culprit. 6 is a variation of the jazzers adage about playing a 'wrong' note in a solo- play it a few more times as though you really meant it. Actually it starts to sound good like that anyway! 8 Is what happens in a lot of Irish sessions. Gun-slingers, we call them. I don't like Irish sessions. 9 I can't follow bowing marks to save my life. Ignore them- doesn't matter in trad. music. 11 If the audience don't throw things at you at you, you've got away with it.
GG. A very good friend of mine was a very successful guitar and mandolin teacher. Sadly he was diagnosed with MS. He eventually lost most of the feeling in his fingers, but a specialist suggested using the chanter of a bagpipe. He is now slowly regaining the sensation in his fingers. He knows he will never be what he was again, but to see the joy on his face when he manages to play what for him was a simple riff is brilliant.
Ok - just seen this. It wasn't meant to poke fun of the woman or the dead but more Primark and the way that they exploit people. Still, it clearly wasn't to everyone's taste so I apologise.
Good for him- music is so healing. I know I can't play anywhere near as fluently as I used to, but am happiest when I am playing. And I'm just in the process of sourcing a better wheelchair with detachable arms which will enable me to sit up properly to play acoustic and electric guitars. I hope your friend continues to get more back, Maestro.
It certainly does. When I was playing, I decided to go to the gym to try and get a bit fitter They looked at me and couldn't understand why someone my size and shape and on 40 ***s a day, could still breathe, let alone walk into a gym. It wasn't until they realised that I played a brass instrument and was playing upto 6 hours a day, sometimes more, that they understood. They said it was probably the best thing I could do. Since then I have also heard of brass players who had throat cancer being urges to get back playing as soon as possible, as it will help them.
I love that - "look mate - as your doctor I'm telling you that if you don't stop smoking, drinking and eating too much you're going to be in big trouble. You'd better learn to play the trumpet".
So casual racism is fine on this thread, but Dan's joke wasn't? Why are you victimising him and being like this Leo, this site is a place for grown ups to chat, not some kind of sect where you have to follow the rules of the loudest. And how does 'rep' make a point? I'd love to know...
There was a thread about favourite film quotes on GC the other day - that's a belter! One of my favourite films.
The best one is where the wives see 'Gloria' in her band uniform and they ask her if she has joined the band, she replies, "Yes. how did you know?" "Just something my husband never said", came the reply
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? ..........................................Because they're extinct! (awful joke) Why can't Palace fans clap their hands? ........................................Because they have nothing to clap about!
