The Blonde Samaritan A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "I know you did," she said, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World!"
A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars. He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a minute," he says to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?" "Fluctuations." says the clerk. The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans, too!"
Some friends were sitting round a table having a nice meal when one of the guests realised he was going to fart - he could not stop himself and let out an enormous trump. He was very embarrassed until the host looked under the table and shouted at the dog - Rover -get out of here! A few minutes later the pressure was too much and he ripped out another enormous fart - and again the host shouted to the dog: Rover - get out of here. Well now the guest was not so bothered and the third time a truly monumental explosion occurred. This time the host called out: Rover - for God's sake get out of here before he ****s all over you.
Digging to a depth of 1,000 metres last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago. Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 metres. Shortly thereafter headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archeologists have found traces of a 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French." One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 metres in a Dublin marketplace, they found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago the Irish were using wireless technology."
A medical research group advertised in the local paper for volunteers with obsessive-complusive disorder to take part in a study of their condition. The response was overwhelming - 600 replies the day the advert was published. Unfortunately, they were all from the same person.
Suggestion for fixing England 's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them ã1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed 2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed 4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy ã100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... and there's your money back in duty/tax etc 6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down. It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
More suggestions: Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay ã600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...) On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
Breaking news: Man Utd team to face Barcelona.. Van der Sar, Rafael, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Valencia, Carrick, An unnamed Premiership footballer, Park, Rooney, Hernandez
A man goes to the doctor and says, 'Look Doc, you've got to help me, I'm desperate! I have a 25 inch penis and when women see me undressed they run a mile. I've never been with a woman and if you can't help me, I never will.' The doctor looks sympathetic but says, 'I'm so sorry Sir but there is no medical technique at present for reducing the size of the penis.' The man looks heartbroken, nods and walks towards the door. 'Ok, it was worth a try, thanks for your time.' The doctor feels terrible and says, 'Well, if you really are desperate there is one thing you can try. It's not medically proven so must never tell anyone I told you this and I'm not even sure whether it'll work.' The man turns back with a look of hope and says, 'Anything! I'll try anything! I'm chewing the furniture, tell me!' The doctor takes a deep breath, 'Well, if you're sure...go out of the surgery and turn right and walk down the lane. At the end of the lane you'll come to the enchanted wood. Follow the path until you come to a clearing. In the middle of that clearing is a big oak tree, under which is a magic frog. If you ask the frog to marry you, and he says "no", your penis should shrink by five inches.' The man thanks the doctor, leaves the surgery and walks down the lane. At the enchanted wood he follows a path which leads to a clearing. Sure enough, in the middle there is an oak tree with a frog sitting beneath it. Feeling slightly embarrassed, but still desperate, the man says, 'Magic Frog, Will you marry me?' The frog says, 'No,' and amazingly the man's penis shrinks by five inches! Delighted, but hardly able to believe it, the man says, 'Magic Frog, Will you marry me?' Again, the frog says, 'No,' and again, the man's penis shrinks by five inches! Absolutely ecstatic, the man thinks, 'That's great! I have 15 inches left. If I ask the frog to marry me one more time I'll still have ten inches. That's enought to impress the ladies but won't have them running into the street! 'Magic Frog, Will you marry me?' The frog replies, 'NO! NO! NO!'
i realise as a female driving instructor i really shouldn't be posting this, but... Minor headline in today’s Telegraph: Bad drivers to face ã100 fines Seems a bit sexist to me.
COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
