Some very wise words from DT, Nuts, Beth, Queens etc. Are your family out in Malaysia with you Newbury? If yes then you have to factor in the culture shock and the fact that you are working and your wife may not be into the equation - this can be very,very lonely. I've not really encountered this - my wife and myself have always worked in relatively demanding jobs, both involving travel, our challenge has always been to balance things and make sure we spend some good time with the kids (now they are in their teens and want more time to themselves of course this is easier, but boy are there other issues...) Things we do - always eat as a family in the evenings, sitting at the table, no TV. We download, argue and laugh a lot, its great. We try to get down to the pub, just the two of us and/or wander around town and grab lunch at least once a week. We encourage each other to do stuff we want - the wife suggested getting STs this season, is genuinely disappointed if I miss lads weekends away because of work, she does stuff like bakery courses, theatre (not my thing usually, especially Shakespeare...) has her weekly massage, goes to the races with her mates. Weekends and a few weeknights are a bit regimented - getting the boy to rugby training twice in the evenings, girl to hockey practice twice, weekends are rugby match/Rs for the boy, sometimes multiple hockey matches for the girl - including Sunday mornings.....We share these ferrying and supporting jobs (except coming to the Rs thats me and boy time, though tomorrow the ladies will be joining us to spend the afternoon at Westfield...)When my lad played football a few years ago I destroyed what was left of my knee getting an FA coaching qualification so I could help coach his team. But she does the lions share because I am out of the country quite a lot for work. When I'm around I do the lion's share of shopping, cooking, ironing etc - seems only fair, and this is a partnership. I've sacrificed cricket (the only sport I was any good at) but that was a long time before marriage, kids etc, the time it took up was just too much and the people involved just too dull, and golf, because I realised I hated it, as well as cost and time. Don't get me wrong, this is not an idyllic existence, its ****ing hard work and we all have volcanic tempers which are lost regularly. But very briefly, all forgotten within minutes and normal service is resumed and there is NO SULKING. That I couldn't stand. Good luck with this.
Sb_73...... You seemed to have carved a very good arrangement, one that I would certainly settle for. Yes- she is here in Malaysia, but only been here a few weeks. I have been here 4 months, and missed them incredibly. Saying goodbye to my 4 year old daughter, then wife at the airport was the hardest thing I have ever done. Brutal. So perhaps I have jumped the gun with her settling in......tho is a carbon copy of issues in the UK.
Ok newbury, now you have thrown in another complication Firstly , let me say to SB..if you get bored with Mrs Sb then please send her over here..sounds like a treasure. Newbury. imagine your misus went away to the other side of the earth and left you alone. then you joined her. Youd have no contacts, no social life..nothing..other than your misus. I think you may then become over dependent exactly what happened to me when I came over here. I spent so much time working to support my family that she felt abandoned. all came crashing down a while ago and I'm still not sure if I was in the wrong or not. I had to work to feed the family, but in doing so I wasn't at home as much as I wanted! kids were ok as they were at school..still trying to work it out. Think husky has a point with the balance thing. Especially when In a new country, all you have is each other and any time away is magnified greatly. You should not have to "totally" give up your life, but, if you and your family are "alone in a different country, I think that the main focus for the 1st year or so has to be on them. It took me 2 years to get myself established and confident here, family life is **** but, I have my 2 boys with me and see them every day. all i'm saying mate is make sure you are aware of the good things you have in your life & don't ever let go of them. Personally I'd do whatever it takes to be with my kids (not as per Col) but that's me. Reality is; you to are grown ups and in the end it is only be others that get hurt. Sometimes as Col said, you have to do what is right for the greater good. I got lucky & kept my kids, but one thing is for sure mate, if it does go pear shaped, It WILL f-ing hurt. Take that from another who knows and is doing it right now ! Noe SB...where do you find a woman like that?!!
Sorry Col, didn't mean that the way it reads, just badly worded mate. I obviously know you would do whatever it takes to be with you boys. Appologies
PS..Newbury...flights to Brissie are on special now..i can put you up if need be. Could stay for the Lions Tour ?! As for the beer...me, Farflung, Qldrangers, Mustyfrog and many others can sort that out. Let us know what time your flight lands!
Does your other half have interests outside of the home? Compromise is the key here, give & take. Does she go out with her friends a couple of times a week with you at home putting the kids to bed? If not, why not?
If you are watching football every night on TV and then play at the w/e then shes right, if you are watching/playing once or twice a week then shes is wrong, especially if you involve the kids in it. I had a g/f who wanted me to devote 100% of my time to her, she didnt even want a computer on when she came over so some women can be a bit nutty and possessive and the ironic thing is she always complain my dog was pushy because hed sit on here in order to get next to me.
I wasn't at all mate. Just re-read my post and it may have seemed like you didn't care. Just trying to explain that I didn't mean that...that's all. Not making judgements or passing comments on you at all...not sure why you are so ****ty about me explaining it to you? Not gonna bother arguing anyway. Jst apologising for something I innocently worded incorrectly..leave it at that eh?
newbury did she know you was into sport when you got hitched? my wife did & new i was rangers through & through & new she couldn't change me, but i'm also lucky she is into sport, the only thing i gave up was playing cricket which she hates & still does, i took my wife to rangers & she loved going but when chelsea are playing us she has bad memories of two years ago when she went, yes she's chelsea fan, take her to watch rangers & she might come round, we all have cut ties in some ways but as beth says you've got to compremise together, we love watching darts together on thursdays & i use to play & also took her so she's was involved, hope you can work something out.
Has to be give and take on both sides. It also pays to get things out in the open even if home truths bring things to a head. Letting things fester is not good for anyone. Also important to make time for each other. At least one night or evening out together should become a ritual. Now I need to start following my own advice.
Have you tried taking her to a game? I had a deal with a GF that wed go shopping in London and then go to the game, she said the football was better than the shopping (we won 3-0) which pissed me off as I spent hours shopping with her for nothing.
Thing is Newbury, you've listed your hobbies and stated their benefits which is fine but does your other half think of it in those terms? Empathy is the most powerful tool in a relationship IMO - far exceeding logic. My partner reacts to all sorts of things but at each one, I have a fair idea of why she thinks the way she does. Nothing she does is manipulative and I can deal with it because I understand it. Would I like to spend more time watching films, playing pool, meeting my mates like I did when I was single? The answer is probably yes but I also love the time I spend with my lovely lady and wouldn't want to miss out on that too. If I think of all the fun and laughter we share, there's too much to risk losing or missing out on (just wish there were 40 hours in a day). Ultimately, you will truly know the answer yourself and you're hoping we might validate your action but I'm guessing you didn't marry her because she conveniently alleviated the boredom between sporting activities. Think about what she does/did give to your life and try to appreciate it. If it's no longer there then why not rediscover it or even talk to her, in a sweet reminiscing way about what you were like together and how you miss it - she may even feel the same. The good things are worth fighting for.
Milan mate....long story, she's a treasure, but there are some downsides...Welsh parentage and a Villa fan - though she was born and bred in Handsworth and was taken to a lot of games when young, so at least its valid.....
Ok, think this thread had run its course. In honestly blown away by the sensible, honest and heart-felt advice that has come through. Thank you to everyone who had made a contribution. This forum has gone up massively in my estimation.......and barely a piss-take in sight! My birthday today, so it gonna be a positive day......great day with the mrs and kids and also a huge 3 points for the Hoops. Will be watching the game in TV tonight, best of luck everyone and hope those who are lucky enough to be going sing loud and proud and get behind the boys...... Samba for the goal winner.... RTiD
