Mostly off the topic of football, just wanted to ask for some unbiased advice. How do you guys (who are in relationships or married) balance watching football and/or playing sports? As a person who's career revolves around sport, I obviously like, and need to, take part in sport. Now, I don't need to explain the physical and social social benefits of this, but have always struggled with wife's need to get me to curb my involvement. She is very quick to point out and usually make the atmospheres rough that I always seem to think about myself first, and put my own needs before her and the kids. This is whole-heartedly not the truth. Am a hands-on dad who loves spending time with everyone, but also need my own time. How do you guys deal with this? If I'm being a selfish prat, then tell me, but have come to the end of my tether......HELP!!!!
Difficult without knowing more of the circumstances. Swallow the pride and get an outsider's considered view, i.e. Marriage Guidance. Best wishes.
Cheers Belfast. Been down that road before and unfortunately counsellors don't give their view or opinion they just make you talk about it. All just a stalemate. Just want some personal time to pursue own interests that are positive and beneficial. Unfortunately I have a mrs that struggles with me spending time away from her.
Personal time - literally time to play sport (a couple of hours a week) in the evening after work. Also, the odd night on the beers
Define may have been the wrong word, quantify would have been better. 2 hrs a week and the 'odd' beer. Well look mate, if you're being honest, then the wife has some issues surrounding neediness and insecurity. So, address those issues head on. I'm thinking you know this........
Newbury Hoop you are a man after my own heart. I have this problem on a weekly basis. All my life I have played sport or watched QPR on a Saturday. Now married and with three children under five this time is a constant battle. I value my time with the family and love my wife and kids dearly but do need time to let of steam Currently at 41 I am playing Vets football which is fortnightly and playing once during the week. My case is slightly different because I am a teacher and have just spent a week with the kids but this seems to hold little weight. She is already telling me that I won't be able to play as much cricket this year. That is up for debate. To an outsider(like her friends) this may seem selfish but as I tell her I would not be the person that I am without this outlet. Also she knew this about me when we married. Anyway not much advice but I feel your pain. Good luck.
Identical problem to me (tho have two young kids, not three).....even to the point that I am a teacher too!! If you find a solution that doesn't require a divorce, then please let me know ;-) RTiD
I think we can all relate to it, but I suppose it comes down to compromise,balance and being honest with yourself and each other. Worst fear for me is that I don't spend time with the people I care about or regret the decisions I made.
Unfair..... I am in the same camp/opposite. I use to play sport (Badminton twice a week) and watch RRRs (but far less frequently than I do now) and work and be a mum to two (then) youngsters.... My mother had said to us before we were married, the person you are marrying is there before you, you cannot change them, so don't think you can. My hubbie accepted who I was, and I think I have done the same hubbie was very good, but we had limits, I only played on Friday lunch and Wednesday nights, and if people asked me at other times I declined. (I always made a bit of an announcement about declining ...so he knew I was) but I also let him go out to do his interests (car booting!!!!!) and I stay at home with the girls. When I actually went to LR it was a big occasion, and well planned and a treat. So I think my advice is...talk, come to a compromise ...this is when I am playing sport, this is when I want a beer, this is when I go to footy...but give her the same rights (this is when I go shopping, this is when I go out with the girls etc...) And stick to it....then make sure your mates ring up to take to ask you out on a "NO" night and make sure she hears you say terribly sorry no, its my night for the kids...works wonders
Give up cricket for sure that's really hungry on your time and your children need this quality time IMO I used to play football twice at weekends at one point but got my boys involved at the club . I can say after all that give your Kids everything you can while you can I cut back football , went skating and surfing introduced mine to fishing Brought a French house and did the family thing over the top ... Relationship still went sour so I got a new partner but my kids always come first ... If you think you are trapped then its wrong and if your wife is making noises then she knows it You will have a **** time the worse in fact and no going back . If you are addicted to sport then look at yourself as a man and its should not come first IMO if you head thinks you are good at it then sorry you're not and its just eating away your life and body like a cancer Sort it out and be a braver man Talk to your wife ... Let the love return 50/50 ... Of course if she continues to bark after you do this ... Leave her as she is wrong but meet her half way to start with Men are kids and half if us don't even know what a family means and still want to play .... Play being the focus word here ... Sort it
Morning Newbury Beth's spot on of course. It's all about compromise and honesty. I played four different sports at a reasonable level before I got married. I suppose time only became a real issue once the kids came along. My wife knew how sporty I was and that fitness was a major part of my work as well. After our second child came along we sat down and had a long frank discussion. Honesty was key. You have to be honest with yourself as well and understand that you can't have everything that you once had. We initially drew up a chart for a week at a time showing 'my time', 'her time' and most importantly 'family time'. It's amazing how a visual chart can highlight certain things. I didn't realise how selfish I was being. My wife had very few hobbies. She actually did not have or need a lot of time to herself. This was a problem initially as I felt she therefore did not understand the importance of having some me time. I encouraged her to take up a hobby (golf) which she did and now thoroughly enjoys. She now loves her own time. The benefit of this was that occasionally we get to play golf together and when our kids fly the nest in a few years we will have something in common for the future. You also have to be reasonable. You can't watch every match or every sporting event. You need to prioritise. You need to let your wife see that you are compromising. Also, you need to be clever. I play golf every sat morning. It's my time. My wife spends quality time with the kids. On Saturday afternoon my wife likes to go grocery and clothes shopping. She knows I hate this so I spend the afternoon with the kids and she gets to do the shopping without the kids nagging her. The kids like to laze around on a sat afternoon and they watch the tele while I can usually watch sport on a different one. I'm clever enough to iron while I watch sport (compromise) so the ironing is done when she comes back. My wife golfs on a Sunday morning while I take the kids away for some daddy fun. Then Sunday afternoon we spend together. It can work. It needs to be planned so everybody gets some free time. I suggest that you also make one evening a week where you and the misses watch tele/DVD together. Again be clever. We normally do this on a Monday night as champions league etc etc comes later in the week. I play the game. I plan a lads night out about every second Friday night and my wife does roughly the same. The secret was my wife feeling that she was valued (because she is) and her seeing that it wasn't all about me. Take a good look at your lifestyle and ask the hard question. Are you being fair? We don't live our life to a chart but initially it helped to create a certain amount of free time for all concerned. Best of luck mate
This problem has plagued all my relationships and is affecting just about everyone i know. It is very healthy to play and watch sports and essential to have time by yourself or with your mates that predate and often outlast your girlfriends. If a bloke is working round the clock to build a career or pay a mortgage it would not be an issue. But women often resent men who enjoy themselves outside the relationship. It is a neurosis that feminism has not adressed. Its not as if you are drinking gambling or womanising. Unfortunately i have little tolerance for this controlling behaviour and once the nagging started in both my marriages and the kids were grown up i was off. Now my latest girlfriend is getting the hump about my weekends being dominated by me following QPR and playing and watching other sports. And once the Ashes starts it will get worse. I am going to give her the Spanish and find a woman who has lots of hobbies and an intellect rather than being a needy emotional terrorist. No way am i going shopping on a saturday afternoon.
QPR nuts, Beth, Eddie, Eustace and co..... Thanks very much for the words of wisdom, and in particular your honesty. Thought I may get booed off this forum for such a thread. Anyways, you have all made comments which I have tried to address previously: e.g this was me before marriage, healthy to have hobbies, I do spend lots of time with kids, compromise, balance etc , but in all honesty I seem to come to a dead end......groundhog day all over again. Perhaps the writing is on the wall, which is a huge strain as I have two young kids. I don't believe in staying with someone at all costs, but perhaps the children are more important at the present time. It often amounts to this: I play a lot less sport, less beers than I use too. But whatever I do, it doesn't seem enough and rarely get to do anything guilt free (including watching the hoops- which I can only do now on tv as I live in Malaysia). If a fella who works hard, good with the kids and has made sacrifices to make a better life for his family can't get out for some lads time, albeit sport or beers, then I don't know what this world is coming too. Too finish, I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one. At least I can take some comfort in that.
Welcome to the real world Newbury...Im on the other side of your question but will try my best to answer. just keep reading Beths reply..she is right in every way. The key is compromise. Explain that you like sports and either try to involve her in them, which she will probably snub...or...help, encourage, lead her to have a bit of her own life! help her in her intrests but make it feel like its "her thing" and she is doing it all on her own. Empower her so that she feels that it was her idea &she'd rather do it without you than with you. then when she has an intrest be it going to the gym, reading, car booting, shopping, tennis, cooking or what ever, calmly state that she is spending a lot of time on it. Set some ground rules like - We agree that whatever happens, me the kids & ex misus have Sunday dinner together. We spend every birthday & bank holiday together We only do what ever it is 2 nights / days a week In all situations...THE KIDS TAKE PRECIDENCE OVER EVERYTHING....WORK INCLUDED! Make time to have at least 1 night a week together..possibly alone and find a good baby sitter. now if all that works, and, she does find a decent intrest..then beware the green eyed monster. accept that she may make some good outside (male) friends and a social scene may come with her intrest! assuming your misus hasn't got 2 heads then, some other guy WILL find her attractive...(hard to swallow aint it?!). She will be snding time away from you with people you know nothing about...male and female... Now. If you can handle that; as she has whilst you are doing your thing; then go with it....good luck with what ever happens mate. like I said, you could try involving her in your intrests but that kind of defeats the purpose of the exercise. you need to explain that if you don't have a different intrest, then you'll soon run out of things to talk about when together...take it from someone who knows!! PS---re the jelousy thing...personally I take it as a compliment if my misus goes out and gets "hit on". If she doesn't it makes me wonder whats wrong with her.. Good luck Writen by dr Queenslander..D.N.A.; ECBSTA. MDNA & SINGLE !!<OK> Available for councelling mon-fri 8-4pm..$200/hr
I think you're well within your rights to play sport and socialise with friends/colleagues. But to be honest, if you're doing this several times a week then perhaps there is a bit of an imbalance as to how you spend your down time. You say your work is very sport orientated, but isn't going on the lash a bit counter-productive, especially if it's affecting your relationship with your wife? This might seem blunt, but does all this 'me time' leave much room for paying attention to your wife's needs (bedroom or otherwise?). Perhaps rather than going for beers every week, you could make your wife dinner etc; and I'm sure going down on her wouldn't go amiss. Don't take that the wrong way as I'm not taking the piss, it's just that we all take some things for granted or whatever after a while. Sounds like you need more of a balance, that's all.
Some good (and imo some dodgy) advise here Newbury. From my point of view: My first marriage ended when the boys were 8 and 3 respectively. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but the relationship was toxic and I came to the conclusion that the kids were better off in the long run not seeing that. At that time I had finished playing football, although I was playing snooker once a week in a league. I was also, and still am involved in musical shows/plays, which did take up a fair amount of time. On the other hand, I had given up going to Rangers once the kids were around and always worked hard and helped around the house etc. My then wife really didn't like me going to do the singing stuff and would make life very difficult for me. In the end, the relationship disintegrated and it was best to call it a day. Although, as I have said, walking out on the kids (NOT ON THEIR LIVES I HASTEN TO ADD!!) is the hardest thing I have ever done and I still question to this day whether I should have stayed for their sake. Terrible, terrible decision to make mate!! On the plus side, both my lads now understand that people can't stay together if their relationship is so bad and, even though the eldest was affected by the split up without a doubt, he now lives with me and has become a great mate as well as a loving Son. The youngest lives with his Mum and loves both her and me dearly. It can work out in the end, but **** me it's hard as hell mate. Also on the plus side.....the present Mrs Rangercol is everything I could ask for, stunning and completely understanding and supportive. However, I don't take advantage of this and always try to compromise on things. All the best mate!!
Queenslander + Superhusky, Again, thank you for your honest advice, exactly what I was hoping for. One thing it appears I haven't made clear is that she does have hobbies. She is a very keen runner, which if you have done much of does require a certain degree of commitment. She was even a big fan of those "boot camps". So giving her an outlet isn't really necessary. Not once in 7 years have I said "I don't think you should go out for a run". I mean, personally, I don't think any man or woman should ever grumble about their partner playing sport on a recreational level or going to the gym. It's a win win situation. How many useless fat men and women out there who sit down and watch TV all night drinking?! Great role model for the kids eh! Perhaps I would be better off taking up smoking, drinking and gambling! Secondly, when I was stating going out on the beers, I literally mean every 5-6 weeks. I don't drink during the week. The main point I'm trying to make is that she feels offended when I make any plans that don't involve her - as in not spending everyday/night with her. Her parents spend all their time together, so guess that's what she bases a marriage on. Mine on te other hand did not. Also doesn't help that most of her friends fellas are useless, fat, BUT are at home all the time. So frustrated. .....Queenslander.....fancy a lads night out?!?! Hahaha
