Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"



I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."



"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"



"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my ****ing advice, she'll ask me. for i t."

 

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If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

 

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.
Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No.
Man: So where's your ****ing Ferrari then?

 

An older guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.



When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.



The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.




I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,


'99'.


The old guy obeys and says,

"99".



The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99".



Again, the old guy says,

'99'."


The doctor said, Very good&#65533;.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis

to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'.



The old guy begins,

"One...

two

three"

 

A Pony goes to the Doctors and says "my throat is really sore" The Doc checks him over and says "Nothing to worry about, you're just a little hoarse"

 

I have just found out the Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can actually take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!!!

 

I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

SHE Shouted BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "

 

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other


kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,

8, 9, 10!
"
"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could

only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the

other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to

reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24.

 

*For those who haven't heard, Washington State has just passed laws


allowing gay marriage and legalizing marijuana.*


*The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same


day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man


lies with another man they should be stoned".*


*We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!*

 

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A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath,
but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if
she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass
didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't
believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

 

Rick Astley will lend you any movie from his Pixar collection except one.

He's never gonna give you Up...

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
> in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.>
> "Not a chance," says the husband, "It's 3:00 am in the morning!"
> He slams the door and returns to bed.>
> "Who was that?" asked his wife.
> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.>
> "Did you help him?" she asks.
> "NO, I did NOT, it's 3 am in the morning
> and it's bloody pouring rain out there!">
> "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
> "Remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys
> helped us?
> I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God
> loves drunk people too you know.">
> The man thinks about it and does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes
> out into the pounding rain.
> He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?">
> "Yes," comes back the answer.>
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.>
> "Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.>
> "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.




"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad.. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?? she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."

 

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess."


"Shhh" I said, there's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."


"No I must die in peace. I ****ed your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"


"I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you ****, now close your eyes''

 

Went to a party at the bulimia society last night&#8230;

&#8230;place was heaving

 

My polo shirt's in mint condition, despite having a hole in the middle.

 

A friend of mine asked me what ring tone I have.

I said I hadn't looked lately but I'd imagine a light brown.

 

Boy in the bath with his mother asked...

"Mum what's that?" pointing to her crutch

Red Faced she replied: "Oh silly that's where your father got me with his axe"

"That was a goos shot right in the ****"

 

Man rushes into Doctor's surgery and places his penis onto the desk

"Doctor Doctor look at this"

After a minute of examination... " I can't find anything wrong with it"

"I know isn't it a beauty"

Man walks into doctor's room and lets go with a 15 second fart

" See my problem Doctor?"

The doctor stood up and grabbed a long pole with a brass hook on it "Don't worry we have a treatment for that!"

"Christ Doctor ... what the hell are you going to do?!"

"Open the ****ing window"