On a cold frosty morning wife texts husband to say, 'Windows frozen up' Husband texts backs 'pour some luke warm water on it' Wife replies 'computer now on fire'!!
Unfortunate road accident with an ice cream van this afternoon. Casualties are said to run into the hundreds and thousands.
Me and my missus stopped at the motorway services the other day. I got a couple of bacon rolls, 2 teas and a couple of doughnuts. Went to pay and said "sorry I've only got a £50 note." "Thats alright" the cashier said "just put the doughnuts back"
A man is sitting in the park enjoying his lunch. A cute little dog runs over to him, wagging its tail and begging with pleading eyes. The owner is not far behind. “Thats a cute little dog, can I throw him a bit.” “Of course,” replies the owner. So the man picks the dog up and throws it over a hedge.
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied. "2nd - What do you think of Damascus?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?" That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **** out of them!!"
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating." Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound to end up in one."
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor 'phones his manger with the results. His manager rings "Paddy to pass on the news, Paddy you've got sugar diabetes." "Nice one says Paddy, when do I fight him?"
With her husband being away on business his wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you! The husband replied, On the bog having a **** please advise.
Salesman knocks on a door, kid about 12 answers, he has a joint in one hand, a bottle of Stella in the other and a porn mag under his arm, " Is your mum in ?" asks the salesman, " What the **** do you think " says the kid.
I have a bumper sticker on my car that says: “Honk if you have a small penis!” Then I intentionally cut people up in traffic.
