I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when i got home all the signs were there
After being elected as the new Pope, Pope Francis received a call from Messi congratulating him on becoming the second most worshipped argentinian.
The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?" Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."
A young couple adopt a German baby. He was a perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke a word. They had him tested in every different way to find out what was wrong but nothing came up until one day aged five after lunch he says, "This strudel is tepid." His parents are completely amazed. "What's been wrong? How can you talk? Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory." Nothing like a bit of racist stereotyping when things have gone a bit slow
My boy's toy rules If it's mine it's mine If it's yours it's mine If I play with it and put it down and you pick it up, it's mine If I put it down and pick up something else, it's still mine If I see you looking at it, it's mine If it's broken, it's yours
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant. Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him. Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession Pat: - Oh? What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home? Pat: - Er ... mmm .......... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Pat: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ........ built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family? Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Pat: - Yep! Five times a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often? Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate! Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Pat: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate. Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Seamus: - What's that then? Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Seamus: - Nope Pat: - Well then, you're a ****er.
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, **** off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
