An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & 10,000 US dollars. A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through further surgery and his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not repeat his initial generous gesture. He phoned the Arab and said to him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, more diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street." To which the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against more mosques being built in UK - I think it should be the goal of every Briton to be tolerant. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosques, thereby promoting tolerance from within. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher's shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.
After all the problems, Tesco are now sourcing their burgers in China. Looking forward to the new range of quarter pandas....
Reminds me of when my neighbor told me a person was stealing under clothes from her washing. I nearly pooed her pants.
So now Findus have withdrawn their products bcause of horse meat contamination.... Shame, I really like their Spaghetti Bologneighs
Regarding the horse meat scandal, there are reports that it may involve an international criminal "conspiracy", I wonder if someone responsible for this is going to wake up tomorrow to find a lasagne in their bed ?
The Meat Scandal continues......... It is rumoured that Tescos are taking Welsh lamb off their shelves - tests discovered human DNA in it.
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the InlandRevenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!" As a associate accountant (senior bookkeeper) I can totally relate to that as I've dealt with quite a few auditors who've been awkward, especially when they repeat questions you've already provided a detailed answer to. For some reason, it tends to be the more experienced and the managers who are like that.
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife said: "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for some years." The husband pondered for a moment and then looked into his wife's eyes and said: "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I won't hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?" She said, "I don't think you quite understand. I played rugby for Wales........"
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints. "Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house" In addition, locals told police that they had previously sighted him with stumps. The bookies' hot favourite to bag an Oscar this year?..... Pretoria State Prison.
Talk about ridiculous: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...-knot-dressed-Shrek-Princess-Fiona-movie.html Unfortunately, it took place here.
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was out of the room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.' The elderly lady leaned close, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old **** what his name is.'
Irish Government sells Saint Patrick to reduce national debt St Patrick’s Day celebrations around the world are facing an uncertain future following today’s announcement by the Irish Government that it has sold the popular saint, and his associated festival day, to Germany in a desperate bid to reduce Ireland’s crippling national debt. Saint Patrick, who has been Ireland’s national saint for over 1500 years and who is believed to be the only Irish cleric in history not to have been implicated in a child sex abuse scandal, was sold at an EU auction last night for the sum of €7.3 million, according to Taoiseach, Enda Kenny. ‘I understand that people might be upset about this, but Saint Patrick has not exactly done a lot of good for us over the years,’ said the Taoiseach. ‘Okay, so he got rid of the snakes for us, but quite frankly if it was a choice between no snakes or saving the country from being repeatedly invaded and ravaged, having half the population die in a famine and then the nation being left virtually bankrupt from a global financial crisis, then I, for one, would happily be arse-deep in anacondas right now.’ Early reports suggest that Saint Patrick will be relaunched as a new German folk character, ‘Der Leprakaun Fuhrer’, a vagabond who once ruled a faraway land which based its entire economy around transactions of magic beans which subsequently disappeared and left the country in economic ruin. German minister, Franz Hagen, has told those who have planned St Patrick’s Day events not to worry. ‘St Patrick’s Day, or Heinzellmannchanfest as it will be called from now on, will be going ahead almost as normal this year, except that it will now be used to teach the world about the importance of efficiency and economic responsibility. As such, there will be no alcohol allowed,’ he added. Following the success of the sale, the Irish Government is considering selling more of its national assets to further reduce its debt woes. The Netherlands have already expressed an interest in purchasing some of the Donegal mountains in an effort to make their country less flat and prone to flooding, while North Korea is said to be interested in buying County Leitrim to prove to its citizens that there are actually worse places on Earth to live. However, the Irish Government is still struggling to find a potential buyer for Bono after the U2 singer failed to reach his reserve price of nearly €5 at last night’s auction.
