We all get our jollies in different ways and most of us red blooded males will relish the opportunity to cop an eyeful or have one of our erogenous zones (ok, our only erogenous zone) stimulated by an unsuspecting partner. You can bash her over the head, drag her into a bush and do what you want but the law frowns upon such practices and you will go to prison where the favour will be returned by a large muscular man called Bubba who will use you like a teenager's sock. Best left alone. The un-skilled perv can get caught out if engaged in a bit of over-zealous frottage in public, a man was recently done for rubbing up against women on the tube. Abmitious maybe, careless certainly. I'm sure at some time we have all caught a sneaky peek at the odd flash of nudity and an unintentional glimpse of tit or arse is better than any **** mag. The art of the perv is to make sure you are in the right place at the right time or, a true jedi-perv will be able to instigate the flash by engineering a situation where an eyeful or physical contact is ensured. Starbucks (or any other coffee shop of choice) Get in after about 9:30 am but before the lunchtime rush and you are in Yummy Mummy Happy Hour where the place is full of screaming toddlers and trip hazard buggies but you will probably also be able to watch the more liberated mums breast feeding in public. As far as I am concerned if Mummy wants to pop her tit out to feed Tarquin in front of all her friends to prove she is some sort of earth mother type that is all well and good as it gives the perv a chance to get a good look at her milk engorged glands. Shops On a recent trip to Stratford on Avon it couldn't help but be noticed that there are a **** load of jewellery shops and the other half spent most of the day gazing through the window at all the tom on display. We rocked up outside an outfit called Pandora and in master-perv stlyee I immediately spotted the birds inside. One blonde, skinny but pretty, a brunette, great arse and another reddy-brown haired bird who was wearing a black vest top. Not just any black vest top though, this thing was a work of art as it made the most of a set of tay-tays that would win an Olympic tit medal. The missus hummed and ha'd and said she wasn't interested so we went for a drink. Thinking only of myself I suggested that when we were finished we went back to the shop and look at the display inside (yes my friends, I actually said display) and before you could blink we were being shown a range of bracelets and charms (mmm charms) by none other than the bird with the outstanding tits. She kept having to take the cabinet keys off the lanyard around her neck - up go the arms, up go the tits, down come the arms down come the tits. Repeat. - I encouraged my other half to look at the display trays on the bottom of the rack (mmm rack) and Titty had to keep bending down to pull the trays out. I must also say she had fantastic armpit minge where the tops of her arms resembled bald snid as they were pressed against her body, this is the advantage of a vest top. We were in there for half an hour, didn't spend a shilling and whilst riding the missus later that evening my near perfect photographic memory came in handy as there popped up Titty and her gravity defying frups. Doctors Before moving to the current Grove mansion I did a lot of work on the last house to get it ready to sell and all the hard graft must have strained something so I booked an appointment at the Doctors. Now I was fully expecting to see the Indian chappy who normally dished out the anti-biotics (cough, penicilin) but much to my surprise a locum quack standing in for Dr Gupta was a stunning blonde. I could lie and say she was some lesbian looking heffer but that's not my way, she was a honey. Quick as you like the back pain I'd gone in for turned into a malady that had affected my groin, inner thigh and had started to give me trouble when going for number 2's. I got the full MOT, balls checked and jelly finger up the rear. Lovely. Dr Hottie couldn't find anything wrong and suggested a couple of days off bed rest. Instead I had a couple of swifties off the wrist and felt right as rain. Health Check Similar to the Doctor scenario as the previous check up I'd gone to (our company does them for insurance purposes) was by a bloke who had hands big enough to play for the Chicago Bulls and when he suggested a prostate examination (voluntary) I declined. Rocked up to the next exam and there was a female Doctor instead. This is where I don't lie, she wasn't a stunner but looked fit (in a rock climbing, outside sports sort of way) and before you can say cough and drop I was stood in front of her with my balls in her hand. She recommended the prostate check and I agreed that it was about time I had one. Up went the jelly finger and all I can say was she stopped just in time before I donated another sample of fluids. Football In the row where I used to sit one of the regulars used to bring his teeny daughter to most home matches. I was towards the end of the row so had to endure all and sundry getting up and down during the match and teeny used to either go to the pisser or get a drink at least twice in each half. I worked out a strategy where I'd pull my chap and saddlebags out the hole in my boxers so as to minimise the material between them and the outside world (and wear thin cargo pants to increase the effect). Teeny would have to squeeze past (because the seats are so close) and I would aim to get at least four cock rubs as she brushed past me. Gigs/festivals/public events/public transport Another good tip is to go for the tit nudge where the bird has to brush past you while walking to and fro. A true perv can position himself so that the brush past results in a tit nudge and a forearm swipe followed by a gentlemanly "excuse me". Kids Having kids opens up a world of yummy mummies, hot looking school teachers, nursery nurses, trainees etc. My current perv is the teeny trainees at the school club who like to wear leggings/jeggings (see previous posts!) The other day one bent down to help my younest with his shoes (as I stood there watching but pretending to be busy sorting his coat out) so I got an eyeful of cleavage, she turned around when he tried to move off before she was done so there was a view of her arse crack then she stood up to adjust her leggings (having ridden down while she was bent over) and I nearly came in my pants when she hoiyked up the leggings by the waist band thus increasing the bulge of her cameltoe as she did so. Another good one is to help with putting the kids shoes on while kneeling down thus bringing any minge into eye level. I hope this has been as entertaining as it is educational but remember to keep your hands to yourselves unless you want to spend a few years in B wiing with the Savile squad.
I'm olde stylee when it comes to this kinda thing. Sunglasses (weather permitting) and perv till yer heart's content. Or, cosh across the back of the legs, bushes, in out and gone.
True, you do get the twig and berries given a good going over and even get the nurse to pull back the foreskin (a couple of times in a row if you are lucky) but you also run the risk of that umbrella scraper being shoved down the japs eye. I'm too squeamish to chance a good grope in exchange for a sharp stabbing pain in the urethra. By the way, I have never been to a clap clinic, this is all vicarious information.
The metal cocktail umbrella thing is a myth it's more like a tiny stick with a hoop on the end not unlike a kids bubble blower wand.... It doesn't hurt and she needs to squeeze the japs eye to pop it in for a brief swab.... Magic, you would love it ..
I went for a test - it was just a cotton bud up the urethra. Whilst it's in there, right enough, you'll swear it had the girth of a totem pole
Tell me! Have to listen to Smooth FM or some **** at work every now and again, Collins is always on there with his awful whining voice. I reckon "Think Twice" should go into the mix as the worst song ever made. He should have stuck to drumming and dumping his birds by fax.
People have often commented that I look like Phil Collins, as I am only 36 this is not such a good thing ..
I had the Brolley down the old chap last year.. The nurse was really fit, as she was examining my manhood I did ask if she has ever been asked on a date by a patient and would this be an awkward moment to do so.. Alas I couldn't hold it together and started laughing at my own **** joke.
