Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:> Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.> As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.> As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.> > Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'> Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.> > Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."> She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'> > Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...> > > > > >
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Hello, is this the Police?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas, Buddy"
"Tuck in Mother-****er" [video=youtube;F2eR-LfelTs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2eR-LfelTs[/video]
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I managed to beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner... Talk about Dyson with death...
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."
There's too much suffering in the world - we need your help now Bob's life is in utter despair and turmoil. He has to survive on stale lager form the local off licence, the only drugs he can get are either scrounged from benevolent friends or bought from men who think it's ok to dillute them with foreign agents, the only bet he can have is a 50p accumulator and all he can afford to eat is Sam's chicken. Nobody should have to live like this. Bob is a symbol of how our society has collapsed. When grown men see Bob in the street they turn their heads away in shame and bitter, stinging, guilty tears. Here's the great news - you can help turn Bob's life around. For just £5 a week your money can enable Bob to drink real beer in an actual pub and get a black taxi there and back. He can aslo buy proper drugs from a proper dealer. He might also be able to have a decent bet once a week. For just £10 a week Bob can afford to stop eating in sam's chicken and order takeaways from Pizza hut and the really decent local chinese. He can even take a trip to the races now and again instead of having to suffer the indignity of spending all his days in the bettuing shop. For just £20 a week Bob can buy a bottle of moet and chandon once a week,, fly in his drugs form Colombia, visit the local casino twice a week and switch from eating takeaways to buying really healthy wholesome food and hiring a top class Thai Prostitute to go round to his flat and cook it for him. Bob is hanging by a thread - make the world a better place by being generous and making his life more bearable by sponsoring him at lifeofreilly.com
Because we keep down costs by growing our own hay, just £25 per week will keep one of our horses well fed in a cosy stable so we can use our money to pay other people to do the work and we can go on holiday.
Just up in the attic putting away the Xmas decorations and found a 1977 copy of the radio times - more commonly now known as the sex offenders register.
Frank Carson on Tiswas: [video=youtube;CDXXaJKoNNI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDXXaJKoNNI[/video]
I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my girlfriend: 'Babe,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone. Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.' And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder... What the hell does 'ternative' mean?
Why did the chicken cross the road? "I don't know, why did the chicken cross the road?" To get to the gay mans house. Knock Knock "Who's there?" The Chicken SO sorry... my friend 'got me' with this today. Dreadful but it raised a smile!
Subject: There's no-one like Brian A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing' widow."
