A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast while they were diving and he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says..."Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news". "Well," says the bloke..."I guess I'd better have the bad news first?" The Sarge says..."I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says..."Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks...They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...... So what's the other possible good news? "Well", the Sarge says..."if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...
A wealthy but down-to-earth scrap metal merchant started a new line of business by recycling metal to produce nails for common DIY jobs. He called his product 'Clough's Clout Headed Nails, but in the first year they didn't sell too well so he decided to advertise. But how do you advertise nails? Very difficult - but he used his imagination. His first advert caused media outrage. It depicted the Good Friday crucifixion scene with a caption below - 'For a really good job, use Clough's Clout Headed Nails'. 50,000 telephone complaints were made in one day, he was obliged to issue a statement. 'Don't worry,' he told the press. 'Next week I'll run a more sensitive advert.' Next week the advert appeared in a modified form. It depicted the same three crosses, this time empty!. In the distance however, three bearded figures in loin cloths were seen running for the hills. The new caption read 'This wouldn't have happened if they'd used Clough's Clout Headed Nails'.
An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whisky. The barman asked, "What's the matter?" The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whisky. The barman asked, "What's wrong this time?" The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whisky. The barman asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: “Your eyes sparkle like the stars”. So I said to the waiter: “Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck.”
I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in a window that said “Television for Sale – ã1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he said: "T'PAU!" I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?" He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write!" I thought, "That's unlikely..." Well, it's a basic skill, isn't it?
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning - can you believe that, 2:30am??!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
