Much excitment on here lateely and damn right too so here's something that made me laugh, hope you all enjoy it. Just try reading this without laughing!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. • I had no control over the drooling. • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
why you going out on the pull with one Charlie... winds down window, excuse me miss, zapp, hi ho hi ho to the bedroom we will go, with a stiffy on, peeling off her thong hi ho hi hoooo
ive got a friend who tested one on himself and all he got was a good jolt but he didnt do it again, you can buy them anywhere over here but they classed as a firearm in the uk and you can get banged up for owning one.
Occupational hazards of the trade mate. Seriously, though, i've had that many shocks throughout my career, i'm **** scared of them now, i only bought the Taser for my wife but after seeing that story i think i'll confiscate it before she gets any bright ideas. Might come in pissed one night, full of it as you do sometimes and wake up in a crumpled heap on the floor. Although that's how i normally wake up after a night on the piss.
Think this was the same guy who posted the taser story. Fairly long but well worth it. Natal Curry Contest. If you can read this whole story without laughing then there is no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted'. Here are the scorecard notes from the event. CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers. Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer. CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w them. CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream. CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry? Judge 3 - No Report
I need one badly. Got a porter at work with a gamy leg, a right lazy bastard. He fanny,s about all shift and funny that when the phone rings he's nowhere to be seen. The. Amount of times Iv'e wasted my breath on the twat must be over a million. One quick jolt would get the ****er moving. hahaha christmas spirit eh.
Gil reading this the tears were rolling down my cheeks, our lass came to see what the commotion was about and wet herself laughing on the 4 th curry
I'd seen that one before mate and the one about the Chillie contest, was still pissing myself by curry number 3, pure class mate, keep em coming.
Gentlemen I make no apologies for posting this one again. There may be some newbies who haven't seen it. Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information for my insurance claim. In block number 3 of the accident claim form I wrote, "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain that statement more fully. I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth-floor level. Securing, the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 22 of the claim form that my weight is 150 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded up the side of the building at a very rapid rate of speed. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. By this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel then weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to the information in block number 22 regarding my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. This second encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it proceeded at a rapid decent down the side of the building, landing on and breaking both of my legs. I hope I have furnished information sufficient to explain why "trying to do the job alone" was the stated cause of the accident. Sincerely, A Bricklayer Note: Author unknown
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA August 31 Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here. September 13 Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !! September 30 Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise ! October 10 The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected. October 15 Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do.. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this! October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat. October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****ing blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from ****ing Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining. October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the ****ing air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here? November 4 Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35. Stupid repairman.. ****ing thief. November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet and I smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth. November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my ****ing arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. ****.. ****. ****. November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. ****! November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****ing hell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards! November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ing arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. ****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want to live here! December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kidding me!
That top one looks like me after a Friday night out, usually got a Kebab in me hand though, and then down my shirt.
Could be another use for the Tazer just as your about to cum zap your own arse. hahahaha please log in to view this image
I usually find the Gifs where people are going for a Darwin Award funniest. These two make me laugh for totally different reasons. No Iphones in class FANBOI! please log in to view this image And RoboCop. hahaha please log in to view this image
