The IRA captured Ian Paisley, Margaret Thatcher and Daniel O'Donnell, but they only had two bullets. So they shot Daniel O'Donnell twice just to make sure. Woman goes to the doctor. "Is it possible to get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Of course madam, where do you think banjo players come from?"
Nice little blog from Bill Maher: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/won-direction_b_2174227.html or, if you prefer a video clip of the same thing: http://www.billmaher.com/ (...'like getting dry humped in a crowded subway by Roger Moore'...pretty good, that!)
My missus asked me to buy her a puppy for Chrisdtmasd. I went to the pet shop[ and decided they were too erxpnsive so i asked what the bloke had for £50. "well Sir - I have this Colombian bull frog" It was a right ugly thing and i asked him what it did "put your penis in its mouth sir" - well I did that and it was the most mind blowing this i've ever experienced so I bought it on the spot. When i got hom, i gave him to the missus. "Whthat the hell am I expected to do with that?" she asked - I told her to teach it to cook, pack her bags and **** off.
Nice little clip with the one-and-only Willie Nelson and Dave Letterman. Quite funny at the end..... http://www.cbs.com/shows/late_show/video/2307410271/david-letterman-willie-nelson-meets-patsy-cline Man, that 'Crazy' was a great song by Willie!
Following the many recent sordid allegations relating to Jimmy Saville, Boris Johnson's mother has now claimed the former radio 1 DJ raped her in 1963.
sucked into the black hole of webcasts. a portal into another universe? [video=youtube;et_MmlTxMXA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=et_MmlTxMXA[/video]
Yoko Ono is appearing in the next series of I'm a celebrity get me out of here. "she'll be a natural in the Bushtucker trials" an insider said "after all she's spent the last 30 years living off nothing but a dead Beatle"
We recently acquired two 7 month old puppies (border collie/labrador cross). Very well behaved (when we're around) and clearly very tidy. We have a settee in the kitchen and they have taken to sleeping on it. Now we have discovered that they have made a lovely big hole in this settee. On examining this hole we discovered it was full of various things. A toy monkey, some shoes (chewed), a toy rubber tyre, and a few other odds and ends (mainly old horsey bits) stuffed down there. They get them out to play and put them back when they have finished playing, then lie on the settee, covering up the hole, looking innocent. So sweet (little ****s).
A Russian tycoon hired a team of Polish builders to restore his run-down chateau in France. Among their tasks was the demolition of an outbuilding. Having given the workers their instructions, owner Dimitri Stroskin set them to work and left the country. He returned to find that the chateau itself had been reduced to rubble while the outbuilding remained there in solitary splendor. True. It's an easy mistake to make though; the Polish translation for "knock down the shed" is very similar to "demolish the 13,000 square meter chateau so that not one stone is left standing upon another".
I saw that today Ron. Wasn't your chatea was it? From this please log in to view this image To this please log in to view this image Talk about a bad day at the office.
The Morning Line provided a belly laugh this morning. The frankly quite awful Guest Test was the source. Noel Feehily having scored 5 was told by Nick Luck he would go on the scoreboard just above the Chantal Sutherland. NF's instant response was that he'd been on top of worse. A good end to fairly drab show.
A Muslim work colleague told me that he had a version of the Koran on his computer. Yesterday he punched me in the face andf threatened to murder all my family - FFS, all I did was ask him to burn a copy for me
Bloke comes in having been to the shops on Sunday Morning. Honey, get packing a suitcase, he says, I've only gone and won the bloody lottery last night Oooohhhh, says the wife, should I pack for beach, city or the cold?? I really don't care, says the man, I just want you out the ****ing house by monday
Dear Deirdrie - last night my boyfriend told me that the best cure for constipation is anal sex. I didn't really want to go along with it but after a lot of persuasion i agreed to let him do it. He called me this morning to say that he's still constipated and wants to try it again in the hope that it's second time lucky. What do you think i should do? Sincerely yours A Blonde.
Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones * * Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus * * Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones * * Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus * * Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone * * Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy * * Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything. Timmy * * Timmy, That’s what I thought you little bastard. Santa.
