Here's something to offend everyone but mostly Scousers. SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS... John Terry has been named as the new Serbia under 21 coach. It's my Scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow so as a surprise I've put £10 in his nan's purse. Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a *****phile in all their 25 years together. JJB Sports have started selling Jimmy Saville tribute track suits. They have adult tops, but you have to try and squeeze into kiddies bottoms. Susan Boyle has returned her Jim'll Fix it badge out of total disgust at the way she was treated by him after appearing in his show. He never laid a hand on her. More scandal for the BBC, someone has now come forward saying they once saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird. Low Alcohol Beer. It's like licking your sister's fanny. Tastes similar..........but it's just not right Before me and the missus had sex she said, "If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse." With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down. What's the difference between Lance Armstrong's Doctor and Manchester United keeper Anders Lindegaard?..................Lance's Doctors can save a ball I just bought Condoms, and when the cashier asked do you need a bag? I just said No she isn't that ugly. Spurs have apologized to Lazio after accusing their fans of chanting racist monkey noises at Jermaine Defoe after Lazio explained there was no racist intent as the chants were aimed at Gareth Bale The french have claimed they printed pics of Kate Middleton because England sent them joey barton....it was just a case of tit for twat. 85% of scoucers have had sex in the shower...the other 15% havent been to prison yet My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet. I asked which website he saw it on. He replied 'Google earth' Dwarf couple who work in a circus are having a baby. They go to the doctors for a check up. Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me, what do you want, a boy or a girl?" Guy says "We don't really give a **** to be honest as long as it fits in a cannon united fans are all excited about robin van persie, Liverpool fans are excited about robbin' van stereos Can't believe Yorkshire are dominating the Olympics, and they've still got Peter Sutcliffe to come with the hammer! I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyearsâ¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦.. My wife and I were on holiday and after a few sambucas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arse. I'm so relieved, there was no way I could get another 8 pouches of tobacco in the case! There were ugly scenes at the olympic synchronized diving event today, officials had to break up a fight when Paddy O'Flanigan accused his partner Seamus Rafferty of copying him! My missus said our relationship wasn`t going anywhere. I said quit the **** moaning while I`m having a ****.
South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach. As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to a Bondi lifesaver, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?" "They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark net," the Bondi Aussie told him. "****in great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd never get away with that at home!
Here you go mate, Dear Kirkcaldy High School , God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I just want to say thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never ever let me listen to it.. She said that as it belonged to her long dead husband she wanted to keep it safe and not to share. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to f*ck off. Thank you for that wonderful opportunity. God bless you all. Yours sincerely, Ella.
And another, Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby but, unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be buggered if he needed glasses".
And another, A Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it the works - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the lot. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still ****ing celebrating!!!
All true, well almost all. Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse? A. It's no fun beating a dead horse. Q. What's the difference between an American BBQ and an Islamic BBQ? A. In America, Humans roast animals over a fire. In Islam, it's the other way around. Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump? A. "Having car trouble?" Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package? A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find any hole in the ground. His boss explains how American plumbing works and sends the Pakistani back. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream shakes the office walls. His boss runs into the bathroom to investigate why he's screaming. The Pakistani replies, "I am just sitting here on the toilet like you instructed to do and every time I am making to flush, something comes up and squeezes dearly on my poor testicles." His boss looks at what he's sitting on and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!" A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind." The child says, "Abu, I'm over here." Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant? A: Dress her up as a goat. Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. What's toilet paper? Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat? A. Bisexual. Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common? A. Nothing, yet. Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics? Neither did I. A Muslim dies and goes up to heaven. He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who says “Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven!” “What?” replies the Muslim, “Why not?” “Well, we just don’t!” The Muslim complains and carries on until Saint Peter gets fed up, “Well,” says Saint Peter, “have you ever done anything good in you life?” “Erm …” the Muslim replies, “yeah, just the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Then last week I also donated ten dollars to the American Cancer Society. Plus a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars too!” “Alrighty then,” says Saint Peter, “let me go and have a quick word with God.” Five minutes later Saint Peter returns and says to the Muslim, “Listen, I’ve spoken with God and He agrees with me – here’s your 30 bucks back, now screw off!” An Englishman, Frenchman, American and a Saudi on a plane going to the U.N. in New York when all of a sudden there’s engine trouble! The pilot says over the P.A. system that there’s only one parachute onboard. The Englishman, ever the gentleman steps up, opens the door, shouts “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!” And jumps. The Frenchman, always the effin copycat steps up, goes to the door and shouts “VIVE LA FRANCE” and jumps into the abyss. The yank then steps up, looks out the door at the two bodies gathering speed toward the ground, takes a step back then shouts “REMEMBER 9/11″ and throws the Arab out the door! Q. How long does it take an Arab woman to take out the trash? A. Nine months. What does the Red Dot on the Indian Women's head mean? COFFEE'S READY... I bought a Saudi woman’s diary on e-bay: Monday – stayed in Tuesday – stayed in Wednesday – stayed in Thursday – stayed in Friday – stayed in Saturday – stayed in Sunday – stayed in Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? A. A pimp. Q: Wanna hear a joke? A: Muslim Women's Rights. Q: Why is there so much food at a Muslim wedding? A: To keep the flies off the bride. Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America? A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you. Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay? A. Tickle the goat under the chin. What do Muslim women use for birth control? Their faces
A few more, Woman goes to Dr's and says "Im getting too much discharge". Dr says, "Pop your knickers off and get on the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers in to her vagina and asks, "How does that feel ? She replies "F**king lovely, but the discharge is in my ear". Sanjay, the Indian wife beater, headbutts his wife at 7.30 every night......on the dot!! Found me first grey pube today.... Normally things like that doesn't bother me..... But it was in a Greggs pastie !
Here's one for ya, jesus it's a bit long I hope you've not all heard it. Claude the French fighter pilot brings back a saucy bird to his love nest after a hard day's flying. He gets her into his bedroom and starts to strip off her clothes. He reveals her massive jugs and starts to pour white wine all over them..."ooh that's cold why are you doing that Claude?" asked the saucy bird. "I am Claude the French figher pilot and when I have breast I like it to be with a lovely bottle of white wine" Claude replied. Moments later he takes down her trousers and her knickers and starts to pour red wine all over her arse "ooh, that's weird Claude, what are you doing" said saucy bird. "I am Claude the French fighter pilot and when I have a nice rump I have it with a beautiful red wine" he replied. He flips her over and pulls out his lighter, and he sets fire to her chuff "aaaargh! what the **** are you doing Claude!!!" saucy on fire bird asks "I am Claude, French fighter pilot, when I go down, I go down in flames. Is that? what? yeah that's my coat...
Paddy says to Murphy "have you seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable, said Murphy, I cant believe they all had the same name.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class **** him off. I said "son thats 3 times this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you.
Breaking news on Freddie star! His 34 year old wife has come out to defend her husband! Saying that he has never done anything like this in the 25 years they've been married!
