Kate Middleton newly married to Prince William wanted to know how she could spice up their sex life.So she says William,Is there any way we could spice up our sex life?He says ''One would request a hand job''.She lets on that she knows what it is,but goes to the royal advisor to find out.She goes to the royal advisor and says ''One would like to know what a hand-job is''.So the royal advisor demonstrates with a ketchup bottle.She says okay one gets it.So they are in bed later and William says ''What about ones hand-job'',so Kate says okay,and she goes at it,and he says faster,faster,so she taps the top of his cock.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Absolutely terrible You mutilated an old joke there KPR, raped it and dragged it through broken glass. Well done!
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins Snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A guy walks into a pub with an alligator and a sack. The pub goes quiet at the sight of the alligator. At the bar the guy takes a baseball bat out of the sack, unzips his fly, takes his tadger out, opens the alligator's mouth, places his tadger in the alligator's mouth, closes the jaws and hits the alligator over the head with the bat. The alligator winces and sucks in air. The guy looks around the bar triumphantly and says loudly, "ã100 to anybody who can do that." Nobody moves or says a word. Slowly the crowd parts and a little old lady sits at the back of the pub with her arm raised. "I'll give it a go," she says, "But don't hit me so hard with the bat."
A man has been out drinking with his mates from 6 p.m. until 2 in the morning,and when he comes home from the pub,He pukes all over the floor,knocks over and breaks a vase that was left to his wife from her late mother,He leaves skid marks all over the toilet,and pisses all over the floor.When he gets up the next morning,His clothes are all laid out,his newspaper is waiting on the kitchen table waiting for him,His breakfast is made,and he asks his son did his mother see the mess he made the night before?He said yeah she did.He then asks was she angry,the young lad said no.The man asks why.The young lad said when you came in drunk,she tried to kiss you and you told her to **** off,you were married.
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
A blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic, "Nothin serious love, just **** in the air filter". She replies "brilliant, how often should i do that?"
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouch kids is not a good product name.
Why men shouldn't be agony aunts: Dear Jim, I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start. I walked back home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for 2 years! Can you help me I'm desperate? Dear reader: The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel filter. Hope this helps. Jim
