I'm about to take part in the Great Lakemba Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout, "Allah is a bastard", and then off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Oz just so that they can see their own doctor.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many glasses of some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
We have a lot in common, mate ................ I've just fitted mine with a 'Heart Monitor' to make sure she's still drawing breath!
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "****!" said the hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny? Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon. Teacher: Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon? Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and **** off in the morning!
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put yur pants on backwards instead of your collar."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
A Blonde goes to Heaven. An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'? The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.' And the Blonde entered Heaven...?
A Posh man staying at the Ritz hotel in London takes a card, offering sex etc from a phone box. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers & asks if she can be of any help. The man says "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal and finish with a tit ****. Is that ok?" The lady replies, "Sounds fun sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first.."
A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine." The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bed time, the man is asking for sex. The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to hand wash it!"
My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh, I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.......the missus went f*#king mental when she looked in his cot!
VERN'S FUNERAL Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to This club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ." When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all Over him and says... "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Vern's wife, now furious, Grabs her purse and Storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper Must have mistaken him for someone else, But his wife is having none of it She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, Calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.' VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
The Italian Elbow An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3. When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.” “Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ? “What... You coming empty handed ?"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
I was In a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me , squeezed my arse and said " give me your phone number sexy " I said " have you got a pen? " she smiled and said " yes " I said " well **** off back to it , before the farmer notices you're missing ".
