This was e-mailed to me by a friend in the IoM: A different view of the London Olympics .......... I see the Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze..............and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!! ----------------------------------- The Sailing results are in. GB took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth. ----------------------------------------------------- I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place. ----------------------------------------------------------------- My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?" After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer: "Chinese," I replied -------------------------------------------------------- Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing!
Here is a league table after two games. Work out all the results so far. ________________P W D L F-A W D L F-A PTS _____Stoke______2 1 0 0 7-0 1 0 0 4-1 6 _Wimbledon______2 1 0 0 2-1 1 0 0 2-1 6 __Mansfield______2 0 0 0 0-0 1 1 0 7-4 4 ___Chester______2 1 0 0 2-0 0 0 1 0-1 3 __Port Vale______2 1 0 1 4-4 0 0 0 0-0 3 Colwyn Bay______2 0 0 0 0-0 1 0 1 3-3 3 _Lancaster______2 1 0 1 2-2 0 0 0 0-0 3 ___Chelsea______2 0 1 0 4-4 0 0 1 0-2 1 _Accrington_____2 0 0 1 1-2 0 0 1 0-3 0 ____Burnley_____2 0 0 1 0-3 0 0 1 0-7 0 Sorry about the formatting. It is all right until I post it.
On a sporting theme: How do they start the Jelly 100m? - on your marks - get set.... How do they start the Pudding 100m? -Say Go
Unlikely things to hear at an award ceremony And the presenter to give the award to the best foreign film in another language is... Nick Griffin!! The award for the best dad goes to Mr David Cameron! Meet your host for tonight - Dec
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan -------------------------------- Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company ----------------------------------- Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every Full Tank.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from Glasgow's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?" The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also how you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again. "Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?" Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And then the lawyer said, "So Jimmy, if I don't give any f'king cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
(this is a joke, not necessarily true) Teacher: What is the difference between the words normal and abnormal? Pupil: Nothing Teacher: Why do you say that? Pupil: Because you could've been describing a Luton fan
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband! ------------------------------------ A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor. --------------------------------------- Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession. ---------------------------------------- A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient". ------------------------------------------ In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
Here is a little brain teaser for you all. Can you name 3 premier league teams who have gone the first three games of a season without getting a card. I have found 5. Good luck.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. ‘Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.’
