Went to Stonehaven to see my cousin...

...but I never even phoned him.


I was choking for a Barry White so i nipped into the library

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-19475041

 

.

 

Scottish people

 

Careful Biggus, they can get DNA from sh1t. At least you had something to read while you cut one loose. What was it? Wuthering ****es? 50 Shades of Brown? Shat On A Hot Tin Roof?

 

We shite where we want

We shite where we wa-aaaa-aant


So clean up my toallys


We'll shite where we want

 

Right, I will sing that song when I'm next on a night out. Like to break out into song and embarrass everyone who is with me. <nofriends>

 

Yes we do.

 

I took a ****e in a crematorium the other day

 

In the grounds or in the actual building?


EDIT: It was in the lavvies, wasn't it?

 

No the woods adjacent.

 

At least there was no danger of running out of paper while wiping your arse. You did wipe, didn't you?

 

My pal shat in a newspaper in a pub once and then left it on the bar

 

The carpet had a good bit of dangle-purchase about it so I went for the canine patented dragwipe technique

 

These c*nts from stoney must have a thing about sh*tting in public places,
took the bairn to stonehaven outdoor pool a couple of month ago and they
had to close it as someone shat in the pool.

 

That was a pool

I thought it was a massive teuchter toilet <lessonlearned>

 

I once stepped in human **** (bare footed) at the beach.

 

That was a beach

I thought it was a massive English litter tray <educated>

 

Absolute belter.

 

those pretendy Aberdonians are too tight to buy roofs for their public buildings