The Sick Joke Thread (not for the easily offended)

A little lad says, “Daddy, how was I born?”

His computer geek Dad says “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway."

"Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a ****in' Pop-Up appeared and said 'You've Got Male'”.

 

My son got brought home by the police last night.

I thought "I'm going to ****ing kill him for getting into trouble with the police," but luckily he was already dead.

 

I saw that photo 'Stephen Ireland is happy to see you' then remembered his missus has been rushed into hospital with internal bleeding...no, no, I shouldn't have said that..

 

Why do the New French Navy Ships have glass bottoms? So they can see the Old French Navy Ships

 

I went to see my doctor today.

He said I was paranoid.

Well he didn't but I know the **** was thinking it!!

 

I had one of those moments when you're having a **** to porn and you hear the wife's keys in the door. As she made her way to the living room, I managed to switch off the telly, get my cock back in my pants and breath a proud sigh of relief, just in time for her to be stood in the doorway.

I said, " Did you forget something?'

She said, " No, but you did. What's with the ****ing gimp mask?"

 

Excellent stuff!

Is he a doctor? I went to se a Japanese doctor once because whenever I farted it sounded like "Hondaaa". I was getting concerned so I told him what was happening, I explained my farts made a noise that sounded like someone was saying "Hondaaa"

Straight away he nodded and said "I know what dis is, it's an abcess on your anus, you have nothing to wowwy about."

I couldn't believe it "Really? How can you tell without even looking?" I said...

He replied "I once heard a vewwy owd saying"

"Really?" I replied. "What was it?"

He turned and said...

"Abcess makes the fart go honda"

 

Fella goes to the doctors complaining of terrible stomach pains.

After 20 minutes chat about the bloke's lifestyle and medical history the doc says " I think you'd better remove your trousers and boxers then could you bend over as I need to do an internal examination "

The bloke duly obliges, the doctor puts the rubber gloves on and starts to fumble around up the chaps arse.

After a couple of minutes the doctor pulls a £20 note out of the fella's inside and puts it in a medical tray. This continues for about 3 hours when the doctor takes his gloves off and says to the bloke.

" I've just removed £1,980.00 from your arse would you care to explain to me what's going on here?"

The fella says " Ah....I knew I didn't feel two grand "

 

What's the worst thing about licking a bald fanny?..............................putting the nappy back on.

What's got a hazel nut in every bite? .....................................squirrel ****.

What's green and eats nuts? ............................ syphillis.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?..........................cot death.

 

Security stopped me at the airport last night.

He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?"

I said, "It depends, what for?"

He said, "Drugs."

I said, "In that case, no."

 

I was watching some wheelchair racers crash when practicing for the Paralympics.

It was freak accident.

 

A few years ago now, I got kicked out of primary school. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.

When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen.

 

jimiley, the start of your's reminded me of one I heard a while back:

A lass goes to the doctor's complaining of stomach cramps. The doctor carries out a few tests and sends her away. She returns two weeks later to receive the test results. "Well?" she asked the doctor. "Well," he replied "in about nine months time you'll be needing to buy some nappies".

"I'm pregnant?" she said.

"No" said the doctor "you have bowel cancer."

 

haha good one but i think it's already been posted

 

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt". She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FECK IS BOB?"!

 

**** it has, the very first one in the original post.

I knew it was a couple of months ago I'd heard it, didn't realise this thread was so old.

 

So the FA are changing the rules so that all English clubs must have at least 8 English players in the squad..

It'll be nice for Theo Walcott to have someone to talk to...

 

Apparently shortening 'Pakistani' down to 'Paki' is a racist insult of the highest order.
If that's the case. I would just like to say "Hi" to all those AUSSIE'S out there.

 

One day Peter is going for the doctor. When talking he is saying, "Peter you should be stopping masturbating". Peter asks, "why doctor?" Doctor is saying, "for I am trying to give you exam!"

jajajajaja

 

Jose you crack us up