Bloke walks into a library and ask for books on suicide. "Isle five at the back" replies the librarian. Chap comes back two minutes later and says "They have all gone" Librarian says "Well, they don't bring 'em back.."
Saw a friend outside the doctors and he was looking very miserable. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I've just been told I've got the big C" he replied. "What, Cancer?" "No - Dyslexia"
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ... "Grandpa, Grandpa," she shouts excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!"
Paddy and Seamus are discussing their holiday plans. Paddy says "This year, I have to do something different." "Why?" asks Seamus. "Well," says Paddy, " 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago, I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Egypt and Mary got pregnant." "So what are you thinking of doing this year?" asks Seamus. Paddy replies "This year I think I'll take her with me."
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV was refused permission to televise The Flintstones. A spokesman said " A claim was made that the people of Dubai would not understand the humour - but the people of Abu Dhabi do"
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
My racing snail hasn't been winning any races recently so I decided to remove his shell to get his weight down and make him more aerodynamic. It doesn't appear to have made much difference though. If anything, it's made him more sluggish.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, James Wright. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it" and on and on and on….. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night. Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”
Two fellows on the golf course are being held up by two women playing slowly ahead of them. One of them decides to go and ask if they can play past them but turns back half way down the fairway. "What's the matter?" his partner asks. "I can't ask them," he says. "one of them's my wife; the other's my mistress. You'll have to go." The second man sets off down the fairway, only to turn back suddenly. When he reaches his surprised partner his only words are, "Small world."
David Cameron has announced he wants to make it more difficult to claim benefits - from next week all forms will be printed in English
and on a similar theme - I know its slightly racist but no harm intended On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign that read "English speaking doctor" - I thought - what a good idea - why don't they try that back home?
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. "What do you have in your pocket?", she asked. "Tennis ball?" the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
My son wanted a spider for his birthday so I went to the pet shop but they were ã70. Blow that I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web
I read Elton John George Michael and Michael Barrymore are setting up an aid project to find victims of the tsunami and nuclear problems. The three are very used to wading through **** looking for Japanese eyes. Elton and Goerge later announced Michael Barrymore would not be joining in as they wanted to find people alive and not more who had drowned.
(Apologise if this is a little distasteful/offensive. I would also like to add I have nothing against Michael Barrymore, or people of a homosexual nature. "Loads of my friends are gay") Michael Barrymore doesn't own any ash trays. He puts his ***s out in the pool.
